Christopher Joseph
Stat.X - (Optioned!),
The 40 Year Old Rapper,
Roadkill - (M.S
Projects (3)
Connections (41)
INT: CHAUNCEY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
Chauncey lies in his bed in boxers, listening to mellow music, drinking beer, contemplating, tears down his face.
INT: CHAUNCEY’S APARTMENT – MONDAY MORN – RAIN
His alarm is chirping as it’s eight-thirty. Chauncey groans and hits the snooze before noticing the time. He’s off again, late, rushing, finding only one shoe.
EXT: L-TRAIN – RAIN
Chauncey pushes past annoyed people as he finds a tight spot on the packed train.
INT: BURRELL ADVERTISING – MORN
Chauncey tries to sneak into a presentation as his boss ODESSA DAVENPORT is talking to clients.
ODESSA
…and in our innovative approach to servicing our clients we have implemented new strategies to multi-task all of our priority promotions across board, all media outlets from television, radio, internet, cell-phone, billboards, all in one, all one low price…
Not paying attention, Chauncey steps on assistant’s CLARISSA SLONE’S foot, crunching her toes.
CLARISSA (screams)
Son of a bitch! My toes! Chauncey you fat fuck!
Everyone pivots to stare at Chauncey as he grins nervously, eying them. CLAIRE CLAY a staff member goes to Clarissa’s aid.
CHAUNCEY (embarrassed)
Um, hey everybody.
ODESSA
Mr. ST. CLAIR our prompt and reliable account representative Mr. Thornton who wishes he could live up to his hype. I’m sure after his splashy appearance he can now introduce his brilliant advertising campaign for your furniture chain.
Mr. St. Clair pivots his cane as he holds onto his busty daughter BARBIE, annoyed. Several of the staff members scoff at Chauncey as he drops his things and meagerly approaches the front. MURPHY DEE, a staff member whispers at Chauncey.
MURPHY
You fuck this up chump, I’m slicing that ass!
Chauncey faces the room, attempting to get his wits about him. Another staff member JUAN BANNER whispers to Claire and Murphy.
ODESSA
Just one moment Mr. St. Clair.
Odessa leans forward, grabs Chauncey’s lapel, whispers to him.
ODESSA
This is your last chance Thornton, screw this up and you’re history. I’m not even considering a demotion lower than, whatever the lowest job we have, I’m not even considering were you work in this city cause you’ll be so far gone, so far out there, satellite technology wouldn’t even be able to find you. You’ll be M.I.A., on the back of milk cartons, Fat Albert alerts couldn’t even attempt to find you – you feel me son? Do you feel me?
Chauncey meekly nods in agreement. Odessa turns to the room.
ODESSA
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Thornton.
CHAUNCEY
Hey, hey, hey, hello everybody – um, Mr. St. Clair um, Barbie – good to see you again.
Barbie giggles and waves at him as her father eyes her funny.
CHAUNCEY
Well um, St. Clair’s Furniture store has been an icon in the north side of Chicago for decades, starting with Thurston St. Clair, to Sandy to now you Randal St. Clair. I remember growing up, taking trips uptown and peering in St. Clair’s windows wishing I had one of those lovely arm chairs, wanting to relax and sit back…
Odessa clears her throat.
CHAUNCEY
Right, anyways, this is a new day in St. Clair history as they embark on their journey into the south side of Chi-town and beyond. Doubling their space to seventy-five thousand square feet and over a thousand items in their inventory. With a push to break the market wide open to our south side neighbors we have came up with a clever campaign to entice our new customer base. With help from our interns TY and DEXTER we wooed one of Chi-towns favorite doo-wop music crews to give us a little um, bounce.
Claire, Juan, and Murphy mouth out ‘Ty and Dexter’ as they see the boys pump their hands in the back. Chauncey fiddles with the DVD.
DARNEL
This better be good, this is my baby’s first appearance in one of my commercials since she was a child! (Singing) Wouldn’t it be sweet?
BARBIE (Singing)
Sweet to put up my feet on a St. Clair seat!
Randall rubs his nose with his daughter as everybody gags.
CHAUNCEY
Um, trying to find the button.
ODESSA
Which singing crew did we get Chauncey?
Chauncey looks dumbfounded, than presses play as the lights dim.
EXT: ST.CLAIR’S FURNITURE STORE – DAY
The brightly lit St. Clair’s store sits behind a group of sparsely dressed women as a pulsating rap beat comes on. ‘Ty and Dexter’ appear themselves dressed head to toe in Phat Farm sweat suits, boxers showing, gold chains thick around their necks with the fat funny boy glasses and ghetto grills on their teeth. They do various poses before jumping into a rap.
TY
Yo! Southside stand up! This is for all the bitches and the fellas up in the cut! Time to roll out - make that crib fat – stuff your dumpster with that wick wack crap – roll on out in your coup Deville – hit my man randy’s with a fat stack – time to wheel – time to deal –
DEXTER
Futons, Lazy-Boys, dressers, and lanterns – time to get my groove on those sexy waterbed mattresses – smack that shit up rub it down – doing it doggystyle or going down – but what I really like dog – you know what’s up – time to get it tough –
TY
Uh, uh, what’s that Dex – I like to do my trick rough – so what can I get at St. Clair’s loft?
DEXTER
The sofa’s – the sofa’s – the king of sofa’s – wrap around’s, pull out’s, leather and lace – my man’s got him all – he puts the competition to disgrace.
TY & DEXTER
That’s why he’s the Sofa King – Sofa King - Sofa King great – sofa king clean – sofa king green if you know what I mean – sofa king pimp – sofa king hard – sofa king screaming oh my God – sofa king always be number one! Get your ass down to that damn sofa king joint and lay that butt down on a classy soft. You wouldn’t be disappointed for the prices we save! There’s a new king in the Southside and that’s the sofa king real deal!
A group of the dancers rushes up in front of them and starts to twerk their asses towards Ty and Dexter. One of the scantily dressed cuties is Barbie St. Clair. Barbie wiggles her butt right in front Dexter as he smacks her ass before she dips off.
TY & DEXTER
The sofa king champ!
The video ends with Ty & Dexter standing on a mound of the girls, their hands on as many of the upturned asses. The reading reads RNP - Rimjob Nigga Productions.
INT: MEETING ROOM - DAY
The lights come on slowly as the room is completely quiet.
Randals face goes from pale to red before he looks at his daughter.
RANDAL
You’re out of my will – you’re not no kin to me!
Barbie looks at him in shock.
BARBIE
But daddy! Daddy! What did I do?!
He storms out of the room as Barbie tries in vain to stop him.
ODESSA
Mr. St. Clair we can do another commercial, immediately, the people responsible for this will be severely dealt with! We’ll have the new one for you by Tuesday!!
Randal glares at her before exiting.
RANDAL
I’ll make sure your company loses all of your local business – your name is shit to me and not the regular shit that oozes out in one big clump but that slimy, mud butt shit that sprays out! Don’t do nothing but have a nice chat with my lawyers!!
Odessa’s eyes go wide as Randal slams the door with Barbie hopping behind him. She glares at the hapless Chauncey and points her finger at him.
ODESSA
Youuuuuuuuuu! Keep standing right there so I can get a good shot!
MURPHY
He’s yanking shit off desks!
ODESSA
Mr. St. Clair!!! Wait!!!!!
Odessa storms out of the room after the St. Clair’s as Ty and Dexter walk out still throwing up their hands.
TY AND DEXTER
Yo Chaunce you the man bro! That shit was hype son!
Claire, Murphy, and Juan leave the room cutting their hands across their necks motioning to Chauncey.
MURPHY
I’mma fuck you up nigga – don’t let me catch you in the hood homie – you’re fucking done you heard?
Chauncey hangs his head in shame.
Chauncey lies in his bed in boxers, listening to mellow music, drinking beer, contemplating, tears down his face.
INT: CHAUNCEY’S APARTMENT – MONDAY MORN – RAIN
His alarm is chirping as it’s eight-thirty. Chauncey groans and hits the snooze before noticing the time. He’s off again, late, rushing, finding only one shoe.
EXT: L-TRAIN – RAIN
Chauncey pushes past annoyed people as he finds a tight spot on the packed train.
INT: BURRELL ADVERTISING – MORN
Chauncey tries to sneak into a presentation as his boss ODESSA DAVENPORT is talking to clients.
ODESSA
…and in our innovative approach to servicing our clients we have implemented new strategies to multi-task all of our priority promotions across board, all media outlets from television, radio, internet, cell-phone, billboards, all in one, all one low price…
Not paying attention, Chauncey steps on assistant’s CLARISSA SLONE’S foot, crunching her toes.
CLARISSA (screams)
Son of a bitch! My toes! Chauncey you fat fuck!
Everyone pivots to stare at Chauncey as he grins nervously, eying them. CLAIRE CLAY a staff member goes to Clarissa’s aid.
CHAUNCEY (embarrassed)
Um, hey everybody.
ODESSA
Mr. ST. CLAIR our prompt and reliable account representative Mr. Thornton who wishes he could live up to his hype. I’m sure after his splashy appearance he can now introduce his brilliant advertising campaign for your furniture chain.
Mr. St. Clair pivots his cane as he holds onto his busty daughter BARBIE, annoyed. Several of the staff members scoff at Chauncey as he drops his things and meagerly approaches the front. MURPHY DEE, a staff member whispers at Chauncey.
MURPHY
You fuck this up chump, I’m slicing that ass!
Chauncey faces the room, attempting to get his wits about him. Another staff member JUAN BANNER whispers to Claire and Murphy.
ODESSA
Just one moment Mr. St. Clair.
Odessa leans forward, grabs Chauncey’s lapel, whispers to him.
ODESSA
This is your last chance Thornton, screw this up and you’re history. I’m not even considering a demotion lower than, whatever the lowest job we have, I’m not even considering were you work in this city cause you’ll be so far gone, so far out there, satellite technology wouldn’t even be able to find you. You’ll be M.I.A., on the back of milk cartons, Fat Albert alerts couldn’t even attempt to find you – you feel me son? Do you feel me?
Chauncey meekly nods in agreement. Odessa turns to the room.
ODESSA
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Thornton.
CHAUNCEY
Hey, hey, hey, hello everybody – um, Mr. St. Clair um, Barbie – good to see you again.
Barbie giggles and waves at him as her father eyes her funny.
CHAUNCEY
Well um, St. Clair’s Furniture store has been an icon in the north side of Chicago for decades, starting with Thurston St. Clair, to Sandy to now you Randal St. Clair. I remember growing up, taking trips uptown and peering in St. Clair’s windows wishing I had one of those lovely arm chairs, wanting to relax and sit back…
Odessa clears her throat.
CHAUNCEY
Right, anyways, this is a new day in St. Clair history as they embark on their journey into the south side of Chi-town and beyond. Doubling their space to seventy-five thousand square feet and over a thousand items in their inventory. With a push to break the market wide open to our south side neighbors we have came up with a clever campaign to entice our new customer base. With help from our interns TY and DEXTER we wooed one of Chi-towns favorite doo-wop music crews to give us a little um, bounce.
Claire, Juan, and Murphy mouth out ‘Ty and Dexter’ as they see the boys pump their hands in the back. Chauncey fiddles with the DVD.
DARNEL
This better be good, this is my baby’s first appearance in one of my commercials since she was a child! (Singing) Wouldn’t it be sweet?
BARBIE (Singing)
Sweet to put up my feet on a St. Clair seat!
Randall rubs his nose with his daughter as everybody gags.
CHAUNCEY
Um, trying to find the button.
ODESSA
Which singing crew did we get Chauncey?
Chauncey looks dumbfounded, than presses play as the lights dim.
EXT: ST.CLAIR’S FURNITURE STORE – DAY
The brightly lit St. Clair’s store sits behind a group of sparsely dressed women as a pulsating rap beat comes on. ‘Ty and Dexter’ appear themselves dressed head to toe in Phat Farm sweat suits, boxers showing, gold chains thick around their necks with the fat funny boy glasses and ghetto grills on their teeth. They do various poses before jumping into a rap.
TY
Yo! Southside stand up! This is for all the bitches and the fellas up in the cut! Time to roll out - make that crib fat – stuff your dumpster with that wick wack crap – roll on out in your coup Deville – hit my man randy’s with a fat stack – time to wheel – time to deal –
DEXTER
Futons, Lazy-Boys, dressers, and lanterns – time to get my groove on those sexy waterbed mattresses – smack that shit up rub it down – doing it doggystyle or going down – but what I really like dog – you know what’s up – time to get it tough –
TY
Uh, uh, what’s that Dex – I like to do my trick rough – so what can I get at St. Clair’s loft?
DEXTER
The sofa’s – the sofa’s – the king of sofa’s – wrap around’s, pull out’s, leather and lace – my man’s got him all – he puts the competition to disgrace.
TY & DEXTER
That’s why he’s the Sofa King – Sofa King - Sofa King great – sofa king clean – sofa king green if you know what I mean – sofa king pimp – sofa king hard – sofa king screaming oh my God – sofa king always be number one! Get your ass down to that damn sofa king joint and lay that butt down on a classy soft. You wouldn’t be disappointed for the prices we save! There’s a new king in the Southside and that’s the sofa king real deal!
A group of the dancers rushes up in front of them and starts to twerk their asses towards Ty and Dexter. One of the scantily dressed cuties is Barbie St. Clair. Barbie wiggles her butt right in front Dexter as he smacks her ass before she dips off.
TY & DEXTER
The sofa king champ!
The video ends with Ty & Dexter standing on a mound of the girls, their hands on as many of the upturned asses. The reading reads RNP - Rimjob Nigga Productions.
INT: MEETING ROOM - DAY
The lights come on slowly as the room is completely quiet.
Randals face goes from pale to red before he looks at his daughter.
RANDAL
You’re out of my will – you’re not no kin to me!
Barbie looks at him in shock.
BARBIE
But daddy! Daddy! What did I do?!
He storms out of the room as Barbie tries in vain to stop him.
ODESSA
Mr. St. Clair we can do another commercial, immediately, the people responsible for this will be severely dealt with! We’ll have the new one for you by Tuesday!!
Randal glares at her before exiting.
RANDAL
I’ll make sure your company loses all of your local business – your name is shit to me and not the regular shit that oozes out in one big clump but that slimy, mud butt shit that sprays out! Don’t do nothing but have a nice chat with my lawyers!!
Odessa’s eyes go wide as Randal slams the door with Barbie hopping behind him. She glares at the hapless Chauncey and points her finger at him.
ODESSA
Youuuuuuuuuu! Keep standing right there so I can get a good shot!
MURPHY
He’s yanking shit off desks!
ODESSA
Mr. St. Clair!!! Wait!!!!!
Odessa storms out of the room after the St. Clair’s as Ty and Dexter walk out still throwing up their hands.
TY AND DEXTER
Yo Chaunce you the man bro! That shit was hype son!
Claire, Murphy, and Juan leave the room cutting their hands across their necks motioning to Chauncey.
MURPHY
I’mma fuck you up nigga – don’t let me catch you in the hood homie – you’re fucking done you heard?
Chauncey hangs his head in shame.