Adult's Only

M.A. Moreno Your script does not do your concept justice. The dialogue desperately needs tightening to let the jokes play better.

Jennifer Brigitte You got potential. Just stay away from the Zack and Miri Make a Porno schitick and you got a solid film. Thomas is right about the rating system and breaking up the dialogue. Ant has the potential of being really kooky and funny, like Zack Galifianakis.

Thomas Daley I think that your idea has some real potential. This concept is something that teeters on the edge of bad taste without appear to dive over it. Some concerns that I would have if I were a producer are first, rating limitations. Depending on the scenery, you may have a difficult time getting anything less than an NC17 rating and that limits your audience big time. Further, I am going to agree with some of the wordy comments. Remember, your character doesn't have to say everything all at once. You can break up that dialogue with funny interruptions from other characters or, as was suggested to me with my script, using actions to break things up. This has a lot of opportunities and potential to be very funny. Keep tweaking it and you will get there! Good Luck.

Josh Davidson Diovel,

I'm giving this one 3 stars on the idea of it and the originality of putting it in a porn shop. I didn't find much funny in the script, and as everyone has said, it is really wordy. The same thing could be conveyed in 2 pages that you have on 5 with more concise dialogue. Plus, in your synopsis you talk about how taboo and kinky these people are, yet nothing in their stories is out of the ordinary... in fact they are pretty mundane. I think that's what they previous reviewer may have been referring to when he said don't be afraid to really go over the edge. I also agree that if this guy really wants to get into Columbia, he would never, ever work in a porn shop. Not on purpose anyway. There needs to be some very compelling reason to really make him work there against his better judgment...

Like I said, this is a solid idea and a great setting. I hope you continue to work on the dialogue and good luck with it!

Eric Oza Hey, I finally got around to reviewing yours! I like it, but I think it needs some solid polishing. I like the idea of your central characters working at one location, as in mine, but like the review said below, I think some of the dialogue needs to be shortened and less "on the nose." It's very detailed, and in my opinion, a bit too wordy.

I'm also not sure if the grammar typos were intentional or not, but there were several. I always like seeing unlikely characters being thrown into situations that differ greatly from what they would typically be involved with, but if Lando is trying to get into a university, much less Columbia, wouldn't he try to get a job with some social merit that looks much better on an application? When I write, I'm constantly thinking about plausibility...is it needed or can it slide? I think in the case of Lando, a person trying to get into such an elite school, would never work at a porn shop, unless it was strictly for the money. I'm pretty sure those types of schools even do background checks and sometimes interviews with potential students to make sure they are the caliber of people they're interested in accepting.

Overall though, I like the scenario and the fact that you're not holding back with the dialogue. I say if you're going to the edge, then go there, and don't be afraid to fly over it once and awhile. The good is that I can see who these characters are and what you were going for, which is an accomplishment by itself. I'd just concentrate on tightening the dialogue up a bit and possibly thinking about how Lando gets connected to the porn shop. Maybe Ant cons him into it, and before he knows it somehow, Lando is wrapped up in this world of porn and debauchery?

Thanks again for reviewing mine!
Eric

Randall Ellis Adams I think you have the beginnings of something here. I think you have half a high concept or maybe a whole one it just needs to explicit in the pitch-like an aspiring college student has ( a problem or obstacle) happen to him and he's forced to work at a porn store while keeping it secret from (his family, his girlfriend, the school recruiters etc) until the store is closed and (big dilemma like he has to fight to open it again because all his new found friends will be out of work.) The characters have a good base.It helps if the hero has a flaw so he's not too dimensional and you can inject some conflict and Ant needs something really funny and unique so he's not like slacker/stoner/loser dude (by itself) that keeps popping up everywhere. An Ivy League or college kid working or running an adult bookstore behind his parent's/schools back is funny.

Carrie Crain Story has potential. I’m wondering though if Jo and Lando’s dialogue could be shortened, punchier. May flow faster. Perhaps, each character explains in 1 or 2 sentences their different experiences with porno. You may try having them do an action while speaking. For example, one could be unloading a shipment of porno tapes. One could be playing around with a "toy." Good insight into character. Maybe that’s what triggers the particular conversation. One guy could be holding a tape of Boogie Nights. Just a thought. I agree with Scott, I like the location. It's different. Believable dialogue, maybe just shorten. Good luck!!

Scott Bove I think this has potential. The location is unique and I like that. But you have to move the scene a long without so many talking heads. Maybe show us what's happening when they all get found out about porn. Especially the Ant and Lando scene, that would be hysterical and lend to some ambiguity about their relationship which you could capitalize on later, but you also have the opportunity here to address the "her" that Ant is talking about. If it's the girl from the computer, a flashback to him watching her on the website is a perfect set-up. Keep going! I would love to know how this turns out.

Randy Gordon-Gatica There's a lot of interesting stuff happening in your piece but it just hasn't decided which one it wants to be. This could be an early Gus Van Sant movie. This could be an Off Broadway play, and in brief moments it is what it's supposed to be for this contest, broad commercial comedy. I think you might be a writer. There needs to be more Latino writers. You need to choose a direction and write that form just to see if you can do it. If it is movies you want to write, you need to dramatize incidents occurring and not have characters talking about what happened. Show. Don't Tell. When the characters sit around talking about incidents that's where it clearly became closer to a play. This could be an interesting movie, even an early 80's type of independent movie (Prick of Your Ears, or My Beautiful Launderette) type of movie. Good Luck.