Bite Me, Tiffenie Meyer!
A vampire plots revenge against the author of a best-selling book series depicting vampires as sensitive, but his bite ends up coming back to bite him.
(co-written by Scott Bove and Syndi Shumer)
Nikolais is a vampire. A really ticked off vampire. Actually, he’s more than ticked off… he’s raging with resentment and it’s all directed toward one Ms. Tiffenie Meyer. See, she’s the mastermind behind the vampire craze that’s sweeping the world and giving vampires, dare I say it, a good name! It’s all just wrong, and oh so very oppressive. I mean, Vampires aren’t good! They’re mean, badass, bloodsuckers meant to be FEARED!… but the world has all but forgotten that. Today’s modern vampire is expected to be... sensitive. ICK!
Well, Nikolais plans to set things back on track and reclaim the word Vampire to mean what it was intended to mean. And what better way to do it, than by killing Tiffenie Meyer herself?!
Dun, dun, dun!
Except something goes horribly, horribly wrong: During his attempt to bite her, Nikolais inadvertently saves the beloved Ms. Meyer’s life. The media quickly picks up the story and soon Nikolais is perceived by the world as the most incredible, sensitive, heroic, do-gooder alive!
He tries every which way he can to denounce his new “label” but to no avail – if he comes right out and claims that he’s not the sweet vampire everyone is painting him out to be, the public just laughs and calls him modest. When he tries to demonstrate his grotesqueness by turning into a bat, he’s offered his very own magic Reality Show. Even the Vatican has changed its views on the Vampire – no longer recognizing them as demons, but as a reformed species worthy of redemption, and Nikolais being considered for cannonization.
And so it is that ultimately Nikolais’ attempt to bite Ms. Meyer – ends up biting him in his own ass.
Then one day, he attracts the attention of Didi, a female news reporter seeking to do a profile on him for CNN. He sees this as his big chance to set the story straight and make the world fear vampires again! He’s going to use force against her to make her write the truth about him, to tell his story once and for all. Except, when he finally meets her, he finds himself attracted to her. Despite his own resistance, he begins to fall for her, to the point that he becomes willing to do anything to woo her. Even when he finds out that she, too, is a fan of Meyer’s Dusk novels. And boy does Didi just LOVE the book’s sensitive vampire hero, “Eric Mullen.” So, he finally decides to toss in the chips and become like “Eric.” I mean, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. He adopts Eric’s look, behaviors, and finally accepts his new life as a good vampire.
And it’s at that point that the woman of his dreams, turns around and stabs him – literally – in the heart.
And then bears fangs.
Because she, too, is a vampire. Who also wanted to reclaim the truly evil meaning of what it is to be a vampire. But, just like humanity, there’s a patriarchy within vampire society and she knew that if he were the one to do it, then he’d go down in vampyre history as the one who saved their race, and she thought it was high time that a woman get the damn credit! As a result of her murdering Nikolais, the public now fears her as the most evil being in the world – I mean, not only is she a murderous vampire, but she killed THE most beloved hero of their time. The public knows that only the most vile of beings could be so cruel; so unbeatingly heartless. This was her plan all along – to advance her cause and prove that women are strong and capable and FIERCE! She’s opened the doors to vampire restoration, and this time – women rule!
Nikolais is a vampire. A really ticked off vampire. Actually, he’s more than ticked off… he’s raging with resentment and it’s all directed toward one Ms. Tiffenie Meyer. See, she’s the mastermind behind the vampire craze that’s sweeping the world and giving vampires, dare I say it, a good name! It’s all just wrong, and oh so very oppressive. I mean, Vampires aren’t good! They’re mean, badass, bloodsuckers meant to be FEARED!… but the world has all but forgotten that. Today’s modern vampire is expected to be... sensitive. ICK!
Well, Nikolais plans to set things back on track and reclaim the word Vampire to mean what it was intended to mean. And what better way to do it, than by killing Tiffenie Meyer herself?!
Dun, dun, dun!
Except something goes horribly, horribly wrong: During his attempt to bite her, Nikolais inadvertently saves the beloved Ms. Meyer’s life. The media quickly picks up the story and soon Nikolais is perceived by the world as the most incredible, sensitive, heroic, do-gooder alive!
He tries every which way he can to denounce his new “label” but to no avail – if he comes right out and claims that he’s not the sweet vampire everyone is painting him out to be, the public just laughs and calls him modest. When he tries to demonstrate his grotesqueness by turning into a bat, he’s offered his very own magic Reality Show. Even the Vatican has changed its views on the Vampire – no longer recognizing them as demons, but as a reformed species worthy of redemption, and Nikolais being considered for cannonization.
And so it is that ultimately Nikolais’ attempt to bite Ms. Meyer – ends up biting him in his own ass.
Then one day, he attracts the attention of Didi, a female news reporter seeking to do a profile on him for CNN. He sees this as his big chance to set the story straight and make the world fear vampires again! He’s going to use force against her to make her write the truth about him, to tell his story once and for all. Except, when he finally meets her, he finds himself attracted to her. Despite his own resistance, he begins to fall for her, to the point that he becomes willing to do anything to woo her. Even when he finds out that she, too, is a fan of Meyer’s Dusk novels. And boy does Didi just LOVE the book’s sensitive vampire hero, “Eric Mullen.” So, he finally decides to toss in the chips and become like “Eric.” I mean, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. He adopts Eric’s look, behaviors, and finally accepts his new life as a good vampire.
And it’s at that point that the woman of his dreams, turns around and stabs him – literally – in the heart.
And then bears fangs.
Because she, too, is a vampire. Who also wanted to reclaim the truly evil meaning of what it is to be a vampire. But, just like humanity, there’s a patriarchy within vampire society and she knew that if he were the one to do it, then he’d go down in vampyre history as the one who saved their race, and she thought it was high time that a woman get the damn credit! As a result of her murdering Nikolais, the public now fears her as the most evil being in the world – I mean, not only is she a murderous vampire, but she killed THE most beloved hero of their time. The public knows that only the most vile of beings could be so cruel; so unbeatingly heartless. This was her plan all along – to advance her cause and prove that women are strong and capable and FIERCE! She’s opened the doors to vampire restoration, and this time – women rule!
Comments (34)
G J Plut I think the premise of the project is without question, a clever one. And the writing shows potential for sure. The only problem I have is that the market is already so saturated with the whole vampire genre, that I fear even a spoof of that over done genre, could be easily lost. It would take some serious publicity to explain that the project was indeed a spoof/comedy, rather than just another vampire story.
March 26, 2010More specifically, I don't see how killing off what was the main character in the story at the start is a good decision. Perhaps the main character from the start should be "Didi," if it is her point of view that you want to drive home in the satire.
I am far from an expert however, and absolutely appreciate the creative talent it takes to write and put your labor of love out there for all to read, and to be judged.
Well done, and best of luck going forward!
David Kilroy Found the concept intriguing but the reaction to the news to be too unrealistic - within minutes of saving a writer's life, the Vatican changes their policy seemed a bit forced to me... I realize that this is a concept but the same points can be made over a longer period - that just seemed very rushed to me, aside from that, it was an entertaining read. I guess what I am saying is that you covered about 20 pages of material in 5 pages....
March 18, 2010-Dave
Syndi Shumer The tone is meant to be over the top, much like the phenomenon itself that we're spoofing. Also, for a longer film we would certainly space it out - this was a sample constructed for the purposes of this contest to convey exposition and tone in a limited space. We're glad you found it entertaining though - thanks!
March 19, 2010Jonathan Davenport Funny premise. I agree with one of the reviewers that it might make for a better short film than a feature but that's not to say you couldn't pull it off.
March 17, 2010What it's got going for it is that it's somewhat topical right now. Vampires are a thing now and Twilight in particular is ripe for satire. Unfortunately, that's also what it's got going against it...it's SO topical it might be passé if it doesn't get made right away. Imagine if a satire on Paris Hilton-style celebutants came out right now.
As for story notes, I'm actually not sure what story you're telling me here. It's not a revenge story since that plot ends right away with the foiled assassination attempt. It seems like it could be a fish out of water story except that Nikolais never really arcs into a new person until he meets Didi, at which point it morphs into a love story - and even then I get the feeling he's only pretending to change in order to impress her. I would suggest focusing on which story you want to tell and concentrate your firepower there.
I also think you should consider your structure a bit. Seems like the main body of your film involves Nikolais being a celebrity and standing for the very thing he hates. But then at some point, the story completely shifts focus and he falls for a female news anchor and decides to become that thing for her. I think that's a lot to ask of the audience as far as what to expect from your movie. You can't have "Tiffenie Meyer" in the title unless she's the focal point of the story. But your love story involves another character that we don't meet for what seems to be a very long time.
You may want to consider one or more of the following: Have Nikolais hating the image of sensitive vampires because he secretly is one. Condense Tiffenie Meyer and Didi into one character. Remove Tiffenie Meyer from the title, play her waaay down in the story and shift your focus to a story involving mainly Nikolais and Didi. After all, if the premise doesn't work without its title it's probably not that strong to begin with, right?
I also think you'll have your work cut out for you when it comes to sustaining believability in your main plot. Seems like a truly evil vampire with cameras on him 24-7 would have no problem at all convincing the public he's not the good guy everyone thinks he is. Since I'm betting you're a Joss Whedon fan, think about how long it would take Spike (Buffy Spike, not Angel Spike) to clear his good name in a similar situation.
Lastly, I'm not sure this hits the mark for a male-driven comedy, but you never know...maybe guys won't mind sitting through what is essentially a Stephenie Meyer story in the name of rallying against one.
Ervin Anderson Ann Rice made vampires sentisitive and sympathetic, not Tiffenie Meyer. I don't know. I love vampire movies, but this script sampe didn't do anything for me. Good luck, though.
March 11, 2010Syndi Shumer A note in response, though actually irrelevant to the purposes of this particular story, but Anne Rice's "Interview with a Vampire" never reached "phenomenon" status in the same way that Stefenie Meyer's "Twilight" has. Our script is not merely about vampires being sensitive, it's about the phenomenon attached to that particular characteristic and how it affects our main vamp, Nikolais. We appreciate your opinion though - thanks!
March 11, 2010Ervin Anderson In the 70s, Anne Rice's Interview With a Vampire WAS a "phenomenon." The woman has sold nearly a 100 million books.
March 13, 2010Syndi Shumer Please take note that I said IWaV never reached phenomenon status *in the same way* that Twilight has. These are very key words. Meaning, it did not inspire the level of product and mass teenage hysteria in the way that Twilight has. Our script aims to explore and comment on societal influences of, in a humorous and over-the-top way, as is represented via this phenomenon and an oppressed vampire's reaction to it.
March 17, 2010Comment buried. Click to view
Michelle Cutler I like the premise of a Vampire pissed off at how we mortals portray them as teen heart throbs - starting I guess with Angel on Buffy. So it's a funny bit of commentary.
March 10, 2010One thing that might prove challenging in producing something like this is the budget. Your script requires effects and make-up and a lot of art direction. Now if you're going B-movie genre, Roger Corman-style, then you'd really have to camp up the material.
I don't know - am I totally off base with what you're going for?
Syndi Shumer Hi Michelle, thanks for your feedback. In response to your concerns, I don't see this as necessarily requiring a large amount of makeup or effects at all. Vampires are of human form, and outside of fangs it's debatable as to how much facial transformation (if at all) would be necessary. What I'm saying is that there is room for flexibility in direction here, and we'd certainly be amenable to the producers' preferences if chosen.
March 12, 2010Comment buried. Click to view
Jessica Thomas I love the Twilight Series...this looks like it could be a fun movie. Aren't there too many vampire things nowadays?
March 9, 2010Jason Meyers Eh, not to my taste, but you had me going till you killed off the hero and suddenly had someone else as the focus.
March 9, 2010Jacoub Marley The writing is dec, but you seem to be using the TV news too heavily as a plot device in the opening pages. Could be a good idea, you just need to tighten things up a bit. Are you going for a PG rating on this one?
March 9, 2010Syndi Shumer Thanks for your feedback. To answer your question, we've envisioned it closer to PG-13, but would certainly be adaptable to either side of that if chosen.
March 9, 2010