Mockabre

Opening Image: Nathaniel Bright, NATE, is in his office, unaware that the documentary crew is there. He mumbles, "Where are you, Waldo?" He is reading The Cat in the Hat.

Theme Stated: Nate talks to the camera crew: "About halfway through production, I thought to myself, what does every major motion picture have? Is it a gigantic budget? Is it big name actors? Maybe. Is it an innovative director? Well...I don't like to toot my own horn...because...that sounds sexual. But yes, that and a making-of option in the Special Features on the DVD." Nathaniel is an ignoramus but he has a heart of gold, his idea of a perfect film is awful (a making-of documentary makes a great film?), but then again, ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE.


Nate tells how he convinced, coerced really, a writer to help him flesh out the ideas for his masterpiece. He then takes us around the set to meet the cast and crew. He runs into FLOYD, the music director, who sings a rap about zombies. Unimpressed, Nate makes him change around the words of ’Hey Jude' to fit Zombie Apocalypse 3. After warning Nathaniel of possible copyright violations, he acquiesces and does ‘Hey Jude’ with some assistance by ANDY I.

It is time to film the next scene. Nate implores ANDY II, the Shakespearean actor playing The Zombie King, to stop using his British accent. He is urged instead to try to sound like an American king. After several interruptions, they continue to tape the scene. BRAND, Captain Amazing, survives the Zombie King's death rays and rescues HOLLY, the heroine. Nate cuts and says it was awful, except for Holly. Cut to an interview with Holly: "I'm glad I did good, this is my first movie. Well...except those I made with my boyfriend, do those count?"

On the lot, DANNY, the cameraman in charge of the documentary, is talking to EMILY, the screen writer. They have a back and forth conversation oozing with flirtation.

Back on set, Nate realizes Andy I is missing. In the backroom, Andy I and Floyd are obviously stoned, and having an inane stoner conversation and watching the TV. Except we see that the TV is in fact turned off. Andy I asks Floyd what it's like to have a band named after him.

Filming continues, due to budget cuts (that will be rectified in post production) the Piranha monster is played by smarty-pants technician, TECHIE. Brand and the Piranha monster duel.

Floyd and Andy I, carrying Nate's coffee, walk back to the main set. Andy I sneezes into the cup and hands it to Nathaniel.

Nate realizes that Andy II, the Zombie King, is absent from set. When he remarks on how his coffee tastes funny, Andy I readily volunteers to find him and disappears.

Holly, trying to figure out if Brand is into her, asks Techie, Floyd and Nate, what they look for in women. She discovers men are pigs.

Andy I and Brand have found Andy II passed out drunk in the back room. Andy I thinks he is dead; Brand thinks it is just the makeup. Andy I tells a story about his college days about how they used to tea bag passed out frat members. Brand’s interest is piqued. Andy I notices that in retrospect, it’s both kind of creepy and possibly homosexual. ("I already established that in retrospect, it sounds kind of gay." "Right, but before that you said you used to do it all the time." Andy I pauses. ”Still..." "Look, I'm...not gay and you're not gay. So as two heterosexual men it’s perfectly fine for us to stick our
testicles down his throat.") Holly walks in on them.

Later, Andy II is giving an interview. He fishes in his mouth and finds a long strand of hair.

Danny and Emily are still flirting. Nate and the Techie walk by discussing the finer points of creating a time machine for the film. Emily mentions how there was no time machine in her original script, an artsy feel-good movie, she rips a copy of the new script from Nate, reads a few passages and is furious. She is doubly furious at Danny, for thinking she wrote this drivel.

In the back room, Holly makes it clear to Floyd how it makes sense that Brand is gay, because that is why he's been ignoring her advances and it has nothing to do with how hot she is. “I mean, I'm still hot right? Guys want to have sex with me. Would you have sex with me?" "I'd have sex with a lot of things."

Nate is told by his secretary that ROCKWELL, a studio executive, is here. He tells her that he will meet him in his office.

Rockwell goes line by line through ridiculous expenses the filming has accrued: thousands for catering ("We really like cake.") and several dozen pirate costumes. "Nathaniel, there are no pirates in this movie." "I know, but how else were we supposed to celebrate pirate day?”

Realizing that the studio executive visit could only mean one thing, Floyd, Holly and Techie get stoned in the back room and a conversation on how a turtles only weakness is being flipped on its back, but if they taped two turtles back to back, that it would be indestructible.

Rockwell tells Nathaniel that being with production being so many days behind, and the budget having ballooned, that the studio has decided to cut its losses in order to film a feel good family film.

Nate summons his secretary into his office and tries to come up with a way to continue production. He even goes as far as attempting to do every single role himself. Andy I walks in, and explains he might have a solution. Nate asks if he knows anyone with superpowers. Andy I says no. Nate then asks if he has one of those trees that grows money. "I don't think those exist." "No you see it’s a cash crop."

Danny is miserable outside; Andy II consoles him with a story about his ex-wife. As he's about to reveal exactly what it is Danny needs to do to win back Emily, Nate walks by with Andy I and forces Danny to come with him to the Nate-Mobile!

In the parking lot, Andy I, Nate and Danny stare at a 1987 four door Honda: the Nate mobile. Andy I asks Nate what happened to all his money. We cut to a confessional/interview with Nate: "How the money tree works is you dig a hole in the ground, and put in hundred dollar bills. You never even have to water them. My neighbor showed me how it worked, he even let me use his backyard...So yeah, these guys are laughing now, but by next spring, I'll be walking around dressed like James Bond. And everyone will be like, 'Oh wow, look at Nate. He looks so rich and good looking. I'm sorry I ever canceled his movie and made fun of him. How did you do it Nate?’ And I'll be like, 'with my tree that grows money of course.’ Except the hot part, I always had that."

Back in the back room, all the other crew and crew members act out the montage from "The Breakfast Club."

Andy I has led them to a two story house in the suburbs owned by a man named D. At the front of the house, there is a bouncer who refuses to allow them entry until Andy I provides the password: James Tiberius Kirk. Danny asks if D stands for Don, like the godfather. Andy I says, "No. Dungeon Master."

They all sit across from D. Nate says that he should lead the negotiations, being a level fifty negotiator. Danny, trying to avert the disaster, demands to see his level fifty certification (seeing as all level fifty negotiators are given a certificate.) Nate produces a subscription card to Rolling Stones, and mentions how he lowered the fee from 18 dollars a month to 15. Andy I tells him it's a yearly fee. Nate curses out the neighborhood newspaper boy.

D, despite being irritated at their conversation, states that he will fund the film but will require an 80% interest rate. Andy I and Danny are aghast, and because of their incredulous looks, D demands the interest rate be paid upfront even though he hasn't given them anything yet. Nate and D haggle quickly and Nate agrees to an 88 percent rate.

Not having the cash, D demands to take their hands. After a few tense moments, Danny leans across the table and takes D's character sheets. D bellows out, "NO! MY CHARACTER SHEETS! WITHOUT THOSE I'M JUST STEVE!"

They make an escape, losing Andy I. One of the cameramen mentions how they are running low on film. Nate attempts to buy more at a store but is shot down after attempting to pay with a coupon to Macaroni Grill.

The boys decide to get drunk, and Nate reveals the worst girlfriend experience he ever had, and his story in a way manages to actually console Danny.

They arrive back on set, and the secretary tells Nate that the final music act has been finalized. They move to the stage where we see the final musical act. The Hero went back in time and found that the Zombie King had conquered the 80’s. They engage in a light saber duel ("sabers of light, which are similar but legally distinct from light sabers.") The heroine is saved. The end. It is overly extravagant. The song ends; everyone is holding their final pose. Danny is horrified at the sheer awfulness of the film. Nate is teary-eyed at his vision having been brought to life.

A bloody Andy I walks in and shouts about how production has been canceled. The crew begins to circle around Nate angrily. The camera is about to die out, the Techie mentions that if the cameraman turns off the sound he can buy a few more seconds worth of footage. Nate tries to calm the people down, but they begin shouting. We hear none of it obviously. The cameraman places the camera on a table and joins the mob. In the distance, Danny and Emily are arguing. The low memory icon displays. Danny and Emily finally make up but we don't know what they said to each other. As they walk off together, the low memory icon blinks again and the camera dies.