NIGHT SHIFT

Kristen Coates I loved the little girl character, it's a great partnership between the two.

Natalia Lusinski This is VERY cute!!! From the get-go, the characters are very appealing. And I love all the different parts of the hotel you use, too.

I love how Bonnie speaks and acts a way that Geraldine probably wishes she could... or would.

Lines are memorable - like Bonnie talking about her boyfriend (adorable; my young nieces do the same thing!).

The only real note is the ending. I thought that Geraldine is the one who would fall asleep, with Bonnie getting her up to her own room and tucking her in, or leaving her asleep on the lobby couch, or getting a bell boy to help get Geraldine into a room. And Bonnie would leave all her drawings next to a sleeping Geraldine. Also, it being Bonnie's birthday is unnecessary, I think, because the story seems to end right before that. (Plus, it makes me hate Bonnie's parents for leaving her alone.)

GREAT work!!! Much luck! :)

Shelah Mincey I like it as well.. I agree with the mistakes the other writers mentioned but i also have to say, while good, the dialogue leads to beleive that something will be revealed. I think they also talk around each other and say things could be taken to that next level but they just move on in conversing.

Good job on the story..

Christopher Parker I really like it and congrads on writing something that is interesting. I however think there are a few mistakes. These are just my 2 cents.

1. I believe you use the "CUT TO:" wrong. There should be a scene afterwards. Which leads into #2.

2. You aren't using scene headings where they should be. For example "Geraldine pushing Bonnie through the hotel". That is a separate scene as you are no longer in the same location as the previous scene. When you cut to her room that is another scene that requires a heading, and so on.

3. On page 5 you have Bonnie doing a Off Screen dialog. I didn't understand at first until I figured out what you were trying to do. It seems like you are trying to is give some direction to the director to tell him we want to focus on Geraldine. That is something you should say in on a Action line.

Like I said this is my 2 cents take it how you will, but all in all a great concept.

Kristie Borgmann Sounds like a lovely pitch to me. When do we get to bring this one to life?

Rich Kambak A few notes: Nice opening. BONNIE: "I'm big enough to not need..." choppy - rewrite example - I'm old enough, don't need a night sitter."
BONNIE: "Three a.m." Another - "Plus you're actually wrong, it's) Watch your contractions. "Bell Boy" - didn't know where he came from. Script formating is good. Bringing in the vampire element distracts - leads to another aspect of the story which confuses me at the end. The magical opening carries well - so this premise is more fairy tale than dark vampire stuff. The drawing needs to be more symbolic - tellling of their common traits. Your synopsis needs to be written in accordance to the scripts plot points. One issue I have is "loudly whirls" which doesn't seem to be true after reading the opening. Your being narrative and expository with character description. Pitch: A magical encounter between a hotel night clerk and a lonely guest evolves into commonality. Overall, a very good read and good technical script outlay. I appreciate you asking me for my input. JRK

Adam Donald I can shoot this