Suicide Prevention

Josh Davidson Dave,

I love the concept you have here. I really like the logline, which makes me want to see the movie. I would give the concept itself 4.25 stars and the script more like 3. Like others have mentioned, there are quite a few errors (but of course you said you uploaded the wrong one) and too much time was spent with the waiter. I'm curious as to why you only used 3.5 pages out of the 5 allowable. I would have liked to see you use everything you had available to show us your writing and the potential this story has.

I think this story could have been more believable and worked just as well if he had somehow landed the girl of his dreams and after a few months she dumped him, which caused him to give up on life. But, then she takes him back stating that she was pressured by her friends/family or societal expectations that she be with a better looking/more successful man, but after a month apart (all the while he was trying to off himself) she realizes that she truly loves him and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. So, she comes back to him the day after he's called in and paid for the hit. Thus, the rest of the movie is him trying to impress her and keep her and maybe even (possibly during this scene) planning to propose to her, but his paranoia ends up ultimately driving her away for good. Then at the end we find out his check bounced and the hit was never really on in the first place, but the hitman was trying to chase him down to seek payment? haha, I don't know about that, but hopefully that makes sense to you.

Very good idea and basis for a movie... I wish you luck!

Josh

Ron Brassfield Great premise! I'd go from here to recollections of how Matthew met Jessica and let the audience wonder just a bit longer why he's so paranoid. The opening tone somehow implies to me Matthew's "depressed." I think he needs to be "alert," wary but also filled with anticipation. He's so in love and so afraid at the same time, anticipating the arrival of this young woman he loves, and dreading the hit man will come out of nowhere before he can kiss her sweet lips. Which I think he should, very gallantly, even if it is their first date. You know how we guys always have to measure out if we're coming on too strong when we first get together with an attractive woman for a date... Matthew should come on strong -- because he doesn't know if he has another minute left to live -- but in a way that still shows he is restraining himself, showing some class even as it's clear he's got a big worry of some sort. Jessica's line, for him to "relax," misses a chance to be ironic, I think. She could just as easily say, "We've got all the time in the world," or some such.

Dhara Kapoor its awesome!!! i really love it... it has been two hours and i m still laughing...i m just waiting for this script to be approved...

Zeel Patel I can't stop laughing. Great script!!! Cannot wait for this movie to come out!!! Good job...

John Gaither I really liked the concept. This could go in many hilarious directions. Could the waiter be clumsy and/or maybe the real hitman? Just a thought.

Jennifer Brigitte I found your script thank God. it has a strong premise. it's really good. the premise is interesting.

for anyone who has read mesmerized by confusion please do...

MAG Siddiqui I think you're premise is great---ripe for comedy. I liked how you were able to build the tension of the impending hit while being in the equally awkward romantic situation. I think the only thing that's missing is some veiled allusion to Michael Corleone killing The Turk and McCluskey in 'The Godfather'

Aesha Pandya I think the plot is great... Along with being funny, I like the excitement and tension it builds. Its written wonderfully with perfect timing. I think it will make a great film. Good Luck!!!

Jonathan Dane David,

So you know, when I give feedback, it's A) only my opinion and B) me being honest in trying to make the piece better. Here we go....I REALLY REALLY dig the concept for the film, it sounds like a brilliant and funny script and for that I'd give it 5 stars. That being said, I think it misses the mark in some areas.

First, being a comedy, the title lends itself to drama/heaviness. It feels misleading.

As for the sample pages, I think it's written well, but could be tighter and have more humorous moments for the audience earlier on. You want to hook the reader right away and I didn't get the funny until Matthew attacked the Man. Prior to the "attack" it read more straight forward. Also, I wasn't sure what the Waiter's purpose served, especially since he had a good deal of screen time. I'd get him in and out and have it be all about Matthew & Jessica. Granted, I know it's just a sample so that may not make sense in the grand scheme of things..

Also, is this the first date? I feel there should be more awkward first date moments. Does he kiss her or shake her hand when she arrives? etc. And more reaction physically when he sees the "hitman" come in and then has to cover it up. Or when the MAN pulls out the pen, Matthew screams, "See!" and dives for cover only to look like a fool. Just a thought. Or when he turns back around, Jessica is already gone? And he runs out after her and dejected slumps on the side of the building crying....and as people walk by they toss change at him thinking he's homeless?

There's so much you can do with this that would make it friggin' HYsterical.

I am also curious as to someone who is so depressed that he hires a Hitman to off him, why would he go on a date or ask someone out?

Anyway, I think you have a Phenomenal idea here and just need a little work to punch it up. I hope this helps and the honesty is appreciated. I wish you all the best with the project.

My best,
Jonathan

Todd Schowalter I think you have a strong premise. One thing I kept thinking from a comedy standpoint was, what if Mathew actually knew the hit man? Say, he gave him a prized car from his lot in exchange for killing him. When he changes his mind, the crazed hit man is frantically ( and comically ) determined to finish the job, so that he can keep his treasured auto. Just an idea!