The Iguana Was Driving

Synopsis
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PHOTO MONTAGE: Two young teens holding an Iguana with a yardstick-- stock scientific footage of men in lab coats measuring iguanas--the two young teens with guitars and cars--the two young men with their father. (V.O.) A loud, friendly scratched voice rambles on about “things always growing and getting bigger, then somehow changing. . .”

Jarrett Woodard and Phoebe, his girlfriend, fall into an argument one night as they leave the Kettle Bar. Jarrett is crestfallen as Phoebe breaks up with him and leaves in a taxi. Jarrett goes home, but later he puts his iguana named Iggy at the wheel of his green camarro convertible. They take off lurching and swerving as “Slow Ride” blasts out of the car speakers. Jarrett slumps in the floorboard, blindly pushing on the gas and brakes.

A highway patrolman sees the car weave down the road and can’t believe his eyes-- The Iguana was driving!

TITLES AND CREDITS ROLL.

The officer pulls over the vehicle and discovers Jarrett in the floorboard. After a night in jail, Jarrett picks up Iggy from the animal shelter and returns to work at his auto shop. Little Doc and Billy look at Jarrett and start shaking their heads. Little Doc laughs in that scratched voice.

Jarrett returns home, enters his small mission-style house, and returns Iggy to the tropical garden in the atrium. Jarrett lays down on the couch and drifts off to sleep.

He opens his eyes and sits upright to find himself riding in the front seat of his camarro with Iggy calmy steering the wheel as they drive down a coastal highway with crashing waves below. They pass several people waving at them. A cop in an old kahki uniform with a broad hat waves, leaning against his old black and white with the red gumball on top. Iggy and Jarrett drive into the blackness of a tunnel. The scratched voice sings a blues riff which echoes in the dark.

The officer tells the yarn to the locals at the diner and soon a small story appears in the Memphis Herald. The three-inch column story is picked up by the news wires and runs as a filler in all of the major papers across the country. The headline: “THE IGUANA WAS DRIVING.”

A viral video on YouTube gets several thousand hits. Jarrett agrees to a live phone interview with Screaming Eddie, a local radio shock jock. At the Kettle Bar, Jarrett and the regulars are watching The Late Night Sizzle when the host, Ted Sparks, jokes about driving iguanas. Jarrett sees Phoebe enter with an old boyfriend, Andrew, and slips out the back.

Jarrett, Little Doc, and his lawyer go to court to face his drunk driving charge. His lawyer points out it all took place on private property and the judge gives him a break. His penalty is a fine and mandatory attendance to an alcohol safety awareness class.

At his class, Jarrett is called to meet a PR executive who makes him an offer. If he agrees to appear in a public service ad campaign, the state court will let him off the hook for the class, waive the fee, and restore his driving license. Another YouTube video goes viral on the internet.

The locals at the diner see the spot on television. Jarrett does another radio interview with Screaming Eddie. Phoebe listens to the show while preparing for one of her catering jobs. Screaming Eddie prompts “JT” to tell a story about having sex on the hood of his camarro. She begins to stuff olives in her mouth and smashes one of several olive jars in the sink. Later that day, Jarrett knocks at her door and she shoots him with olives loaded in a paint gun.

Jarrett visits his brother Eric, owner of a small guitar shop, and shows him the offer with a check attached to appear on a television morning show. Eric and his wife Sarah wish him luck on his road trip to Nashville with Iggy and his guitar. Jarrett‘s interview is funny--he plays a little guitar and has a small pair of sunglasses for Iggy,
which is a big hit with the studio audience.

As soon as Jarrett returns to Memphis, he gets a call from a talent booker in Los Angeles for “The Late Night Sizzle with Ted Sparks.” Jarrett is anxious about flying with Iggy, but the producers say not to worry, they can arrange for an iguana double. Another YouTube clip is seen by thousands.

Jarrett flies into LAX and is greeted by a chauffeur holding a sign that says “Iguana Guy.” Jarrett goes through makeup and meets Corey, the animal handler providing an iguana for him. Corey resents Jarrett for his quick success and he tries to sabotage the appearance with a spill. The interview goes well, however, and Ted seems to actually like him. Jarrett props the Iggy stand-in with sunglasses and a small guitar and they appear to play together. Later, in the green room, Jarrett gets invited to a party, and the stand-in iguana pisses on Corey’s lap.

Jarrett hit’s the L.A. party scene and offers pour in. Dirk, an aging retired actor, offers to let him live in his guest bungalow in exchange for working on his Thunderbird. Marty, an agent, offers to represent him. Jarrett cruises
out in the ’59 Thunderbird but gets towed on Melrose Avenue.
Jarrett meets Anthony, a rock musician, who invites him out to the Viper Room. After the gig, Jarrett gets picked up by the sexy lead singer of the band, Amber Flame, and they have a hot sexual encounter at her apartment.

Marty arranges an audition for a new reality show called “Ultimate Duel.” Jarrett gets into an argument with Corey, who is also auditioning for the production. They are both cast for the series.

In the first episode of eliminations, Jarrett endures a time trial in which contestants are immersed in fish guts. Several contestants are booted. That night when he returns to Amber’s apartment, she has painted her bathroom red and puts him into a white bathtub filled with tomato juice to cleanse off the smell of fish. She climbs in with him, they drink bloody marys and smoke a joint. Jarrett fades away and dreams he is in a peppermint swirl landscape with a huge olive glowing overhead like the moon. Iggy drops out of a red palm tree and dances on two legs in the sand.

Jarrett and Corey are challenged to face off in a Wild West Gun Duel with paintballs. Dressed as high plain gunslingers, they pace off on a back lot western street and start firing at each other. The duel gets out of hand. Grabbing extra ammo, they escape the crew members trying to intervene and pelt each other with paintballs in an all out gun battle. They begin to tear up the western street front, smashing the saloon façade, but the Director keeps the cameras rolling. They both are suspended and sent home like naughty kids.

Jarrett and Amber go out to a dive bar in Echo Park, where he discovers Amber has arranged to meet a dealer and score some coke. After a quick stop at a liquor store, Amber tells Jarrett to drive fast. Later at a West Hollywood rock club where Anthony’s band is playing, they encounter Corey and his entourage. Amber provokes a fight with Jarrett and leaves with Corey to go to a party. The bouncer calls Jarrett a taxi and then asks for his autograph as cameras flash and paparazzi encircle him.

Back at the guest bungalow Jarrett examines his many bruises in the mirror. He tries to call Phoebe but Andrew answers the phone and threatens him.

In Memphis, Phoebe enters her apartment and hears Andrew’s threats to Jarrett. She kicks him out, announcing that she doesn’t want either one of them. Phoebe cries over a picture of Jarrett, but then packs it away in a drawer.

Jarrett drinks tea and falls asleep. He dreams he is standing on top of the letter H in the Hollywood sign as it sways in the breeze. Iggy is standing up and dancing over on the letter O. Paintballs begin to splatter everywhere as Phoebe appears armed with two guns blazing away. Everything is covered with paint splatters which drip into large peppermint swirls across the landscape. Jarrett is knocked off as the sign sways and huge buzzards fly off with Iggy.

The next afternoon, Amber calls with word that Corey wants to settle their differences. Jarrett and Amber drive out to an animal training farm where they encounter Corey. Corey offers Jarrett ten percent of the prize if he throws the challenge. Jarrett counters that he is quitting the show and doesn’t want anything. Corey becomes paranoid and accuses Jarrett of being involved in some effort to screw him. A chimpanzee near Corey slaps him and starts laughing.

Little Doc stands out in front of Jarrett’s shop and watches as a taxi pulls up and Phoebe gets out. Little Doc hands her the keys to a blue mustang and tells her it’s ready. Phoebe asks about Jarrett but he just shakes his head. As she drives off, Little Doc (to camera) rambles on in his scratched voice. “This is where it gets thick. . . “

Corey clumsily attacks Jarrett with a long animal prod and then pulls a 9mm pistol from Amber’s purse nearby. Corey steps in a hole and drops the gun, which fires off-- hitting himself in the chest. As Corey stumbles, Amber grabs the pistol and clubs him twice on the skull. Amber becomes hysterical, convinced that he is dead and they have to dump the body somewhere. She pulls money from Corey’s pocket and stuffs it in her purse, which is full of cash. She points the 9mm at Jarrett. They both look down at Corey bleeding.

Jarrett, at gunpoint, drives her car up into a canyon and she dumps the body off a steep wooded roadside. Corey rolls down the ravine and comes to rest under trickling water.
They drive off quickly. The water trickles from a drain pipe which revives Corey, who is shot and battered but not dead. Corey pulls himself up to the roadbed and stumbles on down the road in a daze.

As they drive, Jarrett quietly speed-dials Anthony’s cell phone and steers Amber into heated conversation. Amber reveals she was running interference for a rival studio but Corey found out and intended to blackmail her. She tells Jarrett she really doesn’t want to shoot him, but it looks like he’s the only witness. Anthony hears this by phone.

They return to Amber’s apartment. She drinks Tequila, but Jarrett refuses and deftly takes the 9mm and her purse away from her, dumping drugs, money, an extra clip, and other items out on the coffee table. Jarrett ejects the clip from the gun, wipes it off, and tosses both away. Amber suddenly pulls another gun from a drawer, taking aim.


Jarrett sidesteps and twists but a shot still grazes his upper arm, ripping cloth and drawing blood. A second shot hits him in the arm, drawing more blood. Amber keeps firing wildly and Jarrett leaps through the window, breaking glass as he rolls into the small front yard. The neighborhood starts to light up and dogs are barking.



Amber points the weapon out the window just as three black and whites quickly pull up to the front of the building with lights flashing. Officers jump out with weapons pulled and Amber freezes. Detectives drive up and enter the house running as an emergency unit arrives. Anthony drives up as Jarrett is helped into a rescue vehicle and police drag Amber in cuffs down the walkway, pushing her into the squad car.

From a nearby radio, Jarrett learns that Corey has been picked up and Amber is a suspect in several liquor store robberies. With a new sixth sense, Jarrett pulls the door shut on the back of the emergency vehicle and stays low as cameramen and reporters arrive. It begins to rain and he closes his eyes.


Jarrett awakens lying in a hospital bed, with Phoebe, Eric, Dirk, Anthony, and Marty standing over him. Jarrett looks at Phoebe and they smile as he fades into a dream sleep.

A chain rattles as a corrugated garage door opens up and a sleek white cadillac rolls out pushed by Billy, Little Doc, and Jarrett. By appearances, some time has passed. Jarrett looks at his palm pilot and announces that Dirk is expecting the caddy on the west coast in a week. Workers prepare to load the car on a nearby eighteen-wheeler as Jarrett shakes hands with the guys. The sign on the shop reads Billy’s Custom Classics. Jarrett pulls out of the car pavilion driving his camarro under a huge sign reading Little Doc’s Auto Center.

Phoebe is cooking in a restaurant kitchen, dressed in designer chef wear, and oversees the line cooks as she prepares several exotic dishes. As she finishes up, she steps away, allowing another chef to take over. Phoebe steps into the back office.

Jarrett is riding in a limo which pulls up to the front of a small chic bistro in downtown Memphis. Jarrett steps out looking handsome in a tuxedo and Phoebe looks stunning in an incredible black strapless gown as she stands in front of the glass window which is austerely lettered Phoebe’s. Jarrett and Phoebe kiss.

Jarrett and Phoebe attend the Opera. As the music crescendos, they gaze at each other and one small tear appears on Phoebe’s face. They applaud as the Opera ends.

The limo cruises down Beale Street to a night club with a stunning neon sign across the front: IGUANA ROCKS!

Jarrett and Phoebe enter the club and join the crowd which is moving to the sounds of Anthony’s rock band. The band announces a special thanks to the owners, Eric and Jarrett, kicking into a mean version of “Slow Ride” with Anthony singing. Phoebe and Jarrett turn out to be stylish dancers, and they are joined by Eric and Sarah, Billy, Andrew, and other Kettle Bar regulars on the dance floor. A huge photo of Iggy wearing sunglasses and holding a guitar is revealed.

Jarrett and Phoebe make love on a large circular bed with silk crimson sheets. The bed turns slowly and a super-large framed photograph of an olive hangs on the wall. Somewhere a sweet bell starts ringing louder and faster becoming the rush of a jet engine.

Jarrett groans as a jet passes over and sits up in bed in the guest bungalow. The door to the balcony is open and the sun is streaming in. Jarrett is still scarred and healing from his wounds. He pulls on some shorts and goes out on the balcony where he finds Phoebe, her lithe silhouette apparent beneath a silk kimono, with a cup of tea in hand. He puts his arms around her from behind, she turns and they kiss.

END CREDITS ROLL.

Photo-Montage: Jarrett and Phoebe on the beach--Phoebe in culinary school--Jarrett and Dirk with Iggy in a corvette--Jarrett with Little Doc--Billy and Iggy wearing identical sunglasses--Jarrett and Marty holding an award--Jarrett and Phoebe smiling as they hold their newborn baby!

(V.O.) Little Doc’s scratched voice rambles on about how eventually they returned to Memphis and how things actually turned out pretty close to what Jarrett saw in his head, with maybe just a few variations here and there.

We see Little Doc at the Kettle Bar with several other regulars watching the tube. Little Doc (to camera) smiles. “Like I said, maybe just a few variations. . .”

FINAL CREDITS

On the television, an Infotainment Show Host announces that sales for Amber Flame have gone platinum since she went to jail. Amber makes a face at the camera and laughs.

A report follows on a reality show contestant who had his hair cut by a chimpanzee. Corey grimaces in slow motion as the laughing primate musses his hair.

We see the Infotainment Show Host with a Billboard unveiled for a new movie-

Reveal Huge Photo Billboard of Iggy in shades with guitar.

“COMING SOON: IGGY ROCKS! Sequel to THE IGUANA WAS DRIVING”