The Man's Man

Abby Zombro nicely done. definitely enjoy a good story where a "ladies man" gets a little taste of kharma. wouldn't mind reading more! you rock.

Paul Kleinman Hey,

I think the concept is good but my main concern would be how it flows. Right now it kind of feels like Shallow Hal (womanizing man, made to see things differently through something out of his hands). And in the vein of that (and I'm by no means implying that Shallow Hal is a masterpiece but) one thing that made it work (or at least get made, Celebrity brothers aside, and yes "work" is questionable) was probably that the idea was really concrete. He didnt like overweight women, was made to see them as thin and fell in love, when the spell ended he still chooses her in the end. It's like a math equation, where each part leads to the conclusion. Though there is comic potential in your script, the equation seems a bit off to me. He is a womanizer, has a spell cast on him that makes men love him/woman repulsed by him and somehow that makes him stop being a womanizer. I'm just not sure I understand how you get to a solid conclusion from that. You've got to find how to make it so it's not just guys are into him and it grosses him out/women are repulsed by him. I think I'm just confused at how the redemption would happen.

Overall, I think it does have comic potential. Good job.

Also, sorry for giving the plot synopsis to Shallow Hal..

Christian Badami Simple, focused concept. This could be frikkin funny. Similar dynamic (but not story) to the entry "Rehab" because this one also yearns for a big-time male star to play the lead to really make it work - some ultra-popular Adonis-faced actor (i.e. Pattinson, Efron) who'd be willing to poke fun at himself and his own image via the role in this film.

The issue that's been mentioned in other comments - the delicacy of not wanting to offend anyone too much - is a tricky one. But it's clear by your responses you understand the importance of walking the balance. There's one particular solution available to deal with that. One which you may well have already considered, but I'll run it by you anyway... It may sound like it would be a drastic change to the concept, but it really is more of a compliment to the foundation of your idea being good enough on its own. That option is: Nik is quite simply made unattractive and nausea-inducing to everyone. Women AND men.

What would happen to this once-attractive guy (who was attractive to both women and gay men) if he suddenly causes ALL people to gag-vomit? There's so many possibilities where your concept can go - with or without the suggestion I just mentioned. But if ALL people were sickened by Nik, men and women alike, gay or straight, what would happen to his life? Would he end up being in-effect totally ostracized, fired from his job and quarantined in his home? He might literally become a cloistered geek who sees what it's like to live with his only social outlet being the internet and other forms of distanced communication.

The homosexual aspect could still be there in your story in an important way, just in smaller measure - and possibly used to greater effectiveness. Consider this: Have you ever observed an egotistical heterosexual guy who proudly says: "Hey, even gay guys hit on me too!" Dudes like that wear it as a badge of honor and use it as an indirect way to brag about their super-attractiveness to women. If this behavior was added to the nature of your lead character, and the nature of the plot was that ALL people become disgusted by him, then he would lose not only the interest of women, but also lose the bragging rights that go along with homosexuals hitting on him in vain as they used to. He would actually start missing that attention. It would be a much smaller element of your overall plot, but an effective layer to help show his character arc.

Of course you already know that you don't want to make this guy too much of an unredeemable asshole. So, while "pre-gypsy curse Nik" might make offensive asides to his hetero-buddies about gays, we might get the sense that he's just trying to save face among his friends - but it may not be the way his heart truly feels. In that sense, this behind-the-back intolerance might seem fixable, and your "post-gypsy curse" story would of course guide him to redemption with women, and the way he judges men of different lifestyles. After all, in his nausea-inducing state, he'd truly long for ANY contact, with ANYONE, male or female, gay or straight, and he wouldn't be able to get it. What's left? Real Dolls? Beastiality? Yuck. Man, this guy's gonna have a rough time in this story no matter what you do with it! But again, frikkin funny.

Of course this kind of alteration to the homosexual aspect would make the title "Man's Man" no longer fit. But what about this title possibility: "Sickened By Nik"?

One other thought that refluxed-up while reading your concept is: I guess Nik would end up having to use the safe distance of the internet to try and get a date, possibly by running a fetish personal ad?... "Man Seeks Woman Who's Into Gagging."

I'm totally amused by your idea and its potential. There's lots of wild different paths available as you hone and shape the clay. I had fun reading it and couldn't help but include these 2-cent thoughts here. Take or leave my possibly-annoying suggestions as you see fit!

Great submission Josh - and best of luck to you.

Patricia Mason The concept is great and I loved your screenplay pages. This has enormous comic potential. However, I would like to see more in the synopsis as to how you are going to fulfill that potential. I was hoping to see how what kind of three act structure you were going to put on this concept or some of the beats. Also, I would like to know why I as an audience member should route for Nik to overcome this curse. Best wishes for your success.

Kimberly Britt Cute, fun concept. Who doesn't appreciate seeing a jerk get what's coming to him. Formatting was spot on. Flow was good. My only problem with it is that the descriptions were running a little long on the last page. I've heard they shouldn't be more than 4 or 5 lines. A big block of action in a script can be hard on your reader's eyes. Overall, good job!

M.A. Moreno I'm worried that this would come off as homophobic rather than funny.

Hywel Berry Hi Josh,

In Blake Snyder terminology you have a nice clear, 'out of the bottle's set up. Bad person is given evil curse and learns the error of their ways. It's an oldie, but a goodie - for good reason. People like to see bad people get their comeuppance and we like to see redeemable people get redeemed.

There is a slight problem therefore in Nik's character, in that there seems very little - if anything - redeemable about Nik at the beginning (which you mention yourself in the synopsis). He is cocky, brash and cruel, but with very little charm to make us want him to get better.

In its original modern incarnation of this type of story, we soon learn that Ebeneezer Scrooge was abandoned and forgotten and it was this early heartbreak that led to his behavior in later life. What's Nik's redemption? And how does he learn what he did was wrong? How does having every man in the world fancy him make him see how cruel he was to his girlfriend? I think the details of this could have been fleshed out more in the synopsis to explain the development of the story. At least the major turning points so we know why and how he changes.

The pages are succint. I know other people have said 'rushed' but t's good that you were able to get on with this part of the story quickly. After all, we know this has to happen. There's no point dwelling on it. The more fun stuff should be before and after it.

Good luck with it.

Hywel.

http://massify.com/partnerships/lionsgate/makingcomedy/concept/entry/campdavid
http://massify.com/partnerships/lionsgate/makingcomedy/concept/entry/thebigkill

Robbie Block So I enjoy the concept a lot, but it just feels a little bit rushed to me. I think you have some good characters here, and the back and forth between them is very promising, but I think you need to give us a little more of that. I realize this could be a symptom of the contest as 5 pages to set up a story is hardly enough, but I just feel like I want more beef in here. That being said I do enjoy where it is headed, just need to flesh it out a bit more, for example, I think the scene with Nala is a bit rushed, you could add in a bit more bubbling frustration, girl anger etc. and I believe it makes the feel a lot more believable. That being said I think Nik is the epitomy of douchebaggery, and as such I think he has a lot of room to grow, thus providing a lot of room for comedy and substance.

Just my two cents, good luck, overall I enjoyed the writing, I just wanted more of it.

Robbie Block Hey Josh,

So I really like the concept, but I have one problem which I think is moreso a symptom of the contest than anything, but it just seems a little rushed. I think if you dragged out the dialogue with Nala, maybe have her frustration bubbling over as they discuss Nik. I just feel like you have a lot of good material here and Nik is the douchebag we all know and hate, but it could just use a little more beef.

Other than that I think the characters interact well, I just wanted more of it. Good luck.

Nate Gross Josh,
I really like the concept a lot. It's a really good idea and could make for a really funny film if you put in the work. It is done or have you just written this sample? The last scene in the sample is definitely my favorite and made me laugh (everyone loves some good puke humor). Really my only suggestions are in your pages. I know that you could only use 5 pages, which is hard to establish a premise with, but they feel way too quick. It's good that your scenes don't go on too long, and that's something to be careful of, but I think most of these scenes could use a little more so that they don't fly by so quickly. I don't think you even need the first scene (for the sample). You can just start out with her at the bar being consoled by her friends. The other thing is that some of your action descriptions are a little too long. Try to make these more concise or spread them out more. This really doesn't have anything to do with the story, but really helps when you are trying to get someone to look at your script. Other than that, I liked this a lot and if it's note done yet, I would encourage you to finish it.