The Missionary Position

Sarah, a cloistered nun, receives a letter from her dying sister, Danielle (Danny) Claudicare, asking for forgiveness and pleading for Sarah’s help to reach “that special place” before she dies. We hear Danny’s plaintive words in the letter: “I realized long ago you were right: that we need to serve our fellow man. And I’ve followed your advice just as often as I can.”

Sarah heads to Danny’s place outside Las Vegas, and begins seeing signs every few miles: “Paradise Right Here On Earth, 20 Miles,” “Been to Paradise? Why Wait ‘Till You’re Dead?” and “You’ve Been Blessed! Paradise, Straight Ahead!” Each of the signs bears a smiling likeness of a reclining, alluring Danny.

As Sarah tries to digest the implications, we hear a goofy country-western ditty in the background, “Ah Luv Mah Sister — But She’s a Whore!” It’s then we realize this is not a sad drama, but a very strange comedy.

Sarah arrives outside an old aluminum Gulfstream in the middle of the desert, with a group of patient men standing in line. Inside is a small waiting area with a prophylactic dispenser and an electronic sign that says, “Now Serving Number 26,865.” Danny is even more persistent in convincing Sarah to help her reach “that special place:” not Heaven, but getting into the Hooker Hall of Fame.

For that, Danny needs to reach 30,000 tricks. But at 27,000 and with only a few months left to live, Danny calculates she’ll need to turn "four tricks an hour, ten hours a day, 240 a week, a thousand a month for the next three months, if I don’t explode before then.” Her disease is an advanced case of Muscular Dystrophy, which has caused her to lose much of her muscle function, but oddly, not “where it counts.”

Danny reserves Sundays for attaining the Hall’s “Four-Way Foreplay” record: turning a trick on the highest point (at Boundary Peak, 13,143 feet with a Fire Marshall), the lowest point (at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with a passing Boy Scout leader), on water (in a rickety row boat on Lake Havasu with a scuba diver), and in the air (with a sky-diving instructor). Sarah drives her to all these places, and nearly gets arrested procuring one fellow for Danny’s special needs.

On one of Danny’s better days, she hums a tune that she explains to Sarah is her “Monday Song.” We hear the words, and discover it’s a song composed of the names of all the men who’ll pass through the doors that day: “Frank the slob, Billy Bob / A man who’s forty, the kid named Shorty / The guy who grins, the Fielding Twins...” Along with each name, we see a fleeting image of each one of them, smiling at the trailer door, hat in hand and money out.

Danny regrets taking a year off from hooking when she was twenty-five, though she doesn’t explain to Sarah what happened. On one of Danny’s rare days off, Sarah presses her to explain about the missing year. Without directly answering, Danny asks Sarah to drive her to a distant Vegas suburb, where the two watch a young boy and his father having dinner together. Above the dining room table hangs a painting of them with a younger Danny, in obviously better times. Danny admits, “No matter what you think of me, I did do one thing right in this world.”

At death's door, Sarah brings Danny’s ex-husband and her son to her dying bedside. Danny makes her son promise he'll treat every woman as a queen, no matter what she does for a living. Though her death is sad, Danny has pre-arranged to have a wild party thrown in lieu of a wake, and invites all her old friends in the Business.

Danny dies a mere 250 tricks away from the record books. Sarah knows she could impersonate her sister for the last 250, but she can’t bring herself to give up her vows. But a miracle happens: a dozen hookers from Danny’s good-bye party show up, each with a certificate showing they’ve changed their names to Danny Claudicare. Their next week’s tricks will appear under Danny’s name. For one more week, “the ‘Stream is alive with the sounds of pleasure...”