Threesome
Facing a nearly 10 year drought with dating, a guy finds that he meets 3 perfect match women at the same time who are all his soul mate
Other Projects (1)
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Pervert
A sex addict whose never had sex must find a way to control his addiction or lose his fiancee forever to a man her family wants her with
They say that there are three people in the world that are your potential soul mate. For JOSH HENDERSON he’s got his work cut out for him in finding any of them, considering he is terrible with women. He works as an IT specialist at an advertising firm, but dreams of traveling the world as a nature photojournalist. Aside from the small talk when he helps fix co-workers’ technical computer problems Josh pretty much keeps to himself in his small corner office space. He's managed a couple of friendships at the office through GRIFFIN and TISH. Griff and Josh have been best buds since college (and roommates) until Griff moves in with his girlfriend. Josh dreams of having a girlfriend of his own. The last time he’s had one is nearly 10 years back in college, she broke up with him because he was too reclusive, basically she wanted him to open up emotionally.
For Josh it’s the same routine. He comes home; feeds the dog, takes a shower, watches his favorite nature program This Big Planet, and goes to bed crying -–to which his neighbor (who can hear him through the paper thin walls) tells him to “shut up and stop crying like a damn baby”. Griff and Tish, tired of him sulking and complaining about being lady-less decide to take him out to a local bar. They’re going to be his wingmen –-or rather wingman and woman. Things are going horrible. Josh can’t land a single woman.
Determined to find any cure for what Josh feels is his loser disease that repels women Josh goes to an eclectic holistic healing store. Josh confides in the owner of the store of his problems. The holistic healer recommends Josh drink a tea to give him “confidence and virility”. Josh inquires about the tea’s contents. In a matter of fact tone the owner tells him it’s a powerful Tibetan herb and ground up goat penis. The owner then gives him what looks like a dream catcher but tells him it’s a “dream maker”. The owner explains that Josh must dream of his desire and it will come true. He warns that Josh must be careful of what he dreams however as it has a nasty way of coming more “powerfully than expected”.
Later the next day in the office word gets around that Josh is on the “hunt”. A couple of co-workers who Josh vaguely knows set him up on a blind date. Griff, seeing this as a confidence booster for Josh, talks him into going. Soon after Josh, who has a profile on a dating site, gets a response from a woman who seems to match almost every one of Josh’s criterion. Not long after that Josh meets a woman at a local library who is also fascinated with nature photography. All of it seems to add up as a strange coincidence for Josh. When he explains this to his friends they try telling him his luck is changing. Josh is unconvinced and confident that something will go wrong. However, over the next few night Josh, taking the advice of the holistic store owner he puts aside his worries and his dates go fantastic, if not perfect. Josh is amazed by how well he connects with each of the women.
Days turn into a couple of weeks as date after date seems to be going really well. Josh faces a dilemma as he can’t decide which woman to stop seeing and which to continue further with. Even worse, Josh has to juggle his schedule around to keep from one meeting the other. Tish suggest that Josh make a choice soon, but Josh tells her that he’s been trying to decide but feels like they each are perfect match for him. He tells her he feels really bad but explains he refuses to sleep with any of them until he can decide on one girl so it’s not cheating. Josh has a Love Connection, dating game show, type dream sequence in his head as he tries to figure out which woman is better for him, but they all seem to be equally great. A couple more dates and Josh still can’t decide.
Griff suggest Josh try the “jerk test”. Basically, he tells Josh he should act like just enough of a jerk to annoy. Griff explains that if a woman is really into a guy she will put up with his less desirable qualities from time to time. Josh isn’t sure about Griff’s test and is reluctant. Josh, however, tries the test on each of the women through the next couple of dates. All of but one of them passes and tolerates Josh’s alter ego. Josh will later know her as STALKER CHICK. The night Josh tries his jerk alter ego test on Stalker Chick she snaps at him and they get into a nasty fight in a restaurant. Josh explains that he is sorry and it was bad advice from a friend. However, she is blinded with anger and an out of control temper and threatens to stab Josh. She catches herself in the moment and changes back to calm.
Josh thrown off by the situation breaks up with her (his reasoning is that if she tries anything he will have witnesses nearby). He braces himself for an attack, but instead she cries and pleads that they stay together. For Josh this is only the beginning of his problems as he starts to take notice in Tish, who previously was unavailable due to the fact she had a boyfriend. Newly broken up with her boyfriend Josh must contemplate his new found feelings for Tish and if any of these women are his perfect match. He also faces the problem of avoiding Stalker Chick as she begins to stalk him after breaking up with her.
For Josh it’s the same routine. He comes home; feeds the dog, takes a shower, watches his favorite nature program This Big Planet, and goes to bed crying -–to which his neighbor (who can hear him through the paper thin walls) tells him to “shut up and stop crying like a damn baby”. Griff and Tish, tired of him sulking and complaining about being lady-less decide to take him out to a local bar. They’re going to be his wingmen –-or rather wingman and woman. Things are going horrible. Josh can’t land a single woman.
Determined to find any cure for what Josh feels is his loser disease that repels women Josh goes to an eclectic holistic healing store. Josh confides in the owner of the store of his problems. The holistic healer recommends Josh drink a tea to give him “confidence and virility”. Josh inquires about the tea’s contents. In a matter of fact tone the owner tells him it’s a powerful Tibetan herb and ground up goat penis. The owner then gives him what looks like a dream catcher but tells him it’s a “dream maker”. The owner explains that Josh must dream of his desire and it will come true. He warns that Josh must be careful of what he dreams however as it has a nasty way of coming more “powerfully than expected”.
Later the next day in the office word gets around that Josh is on the “hunt”. A couple of co-workers who Josh vaguely knows set him up on a blind date. Griff, seeing this as a confidence booster for Josh, talks him into going. Soon after Josh, who has a profile on a dating site, gets a response from a woman who seems to match almost every one of Josh’s criterion. Not long after that Josh meets a woman at a local library who is also fascinated with nature photography. All of it seems to add up as a strange coincidence for Josh. When he explains this to his friends they try telling him his luck is changing. Josh is unconvinced and confident that something will go wrong. However, over the next few night Josh, taking the advice of the holistic store owner he puts aside his worries and his dates go fantastic, if not perfect. Josh is amazed by how well he connects with each of the women.
Days turn into a couple of weeks as date after date seems to be going really well. Josh faces a dilemma as he can’t decide which woman to stop seeing and which to continue further with. Even worse, Josh has to juggle his schedule around to keep from one meeting the other. Tish suggest that Josh make a choice soon, but Josh tells her that he’s been trying to decide but feels like they each are perfect match for him. He tells her he feels really bad but explains he refuses to sleep with any of them until he can decide on one girl so it’s not cheating. Josh has a Love Connection, dating game show, type dream sequence in his head as he tries to figure out which woman is better for him, but they all seem to be equally great. A couple more dates and Josh still can’t decide.
Griff suggest Josh try the “jerk test”. Basically, he tells Josh he should act like just enough of a jerk to annoy. Griff explains that if a woman is really into a guy she will put up with his less desirable qualities from time to time. Josh isn’t sure about Griff’s test and is reluctant. Josh, however, tries the test on each of the women through the next couple of dates. All of but one of them passes and tolerates Josh’s alter ego. Josh will later know her as STALKER CHICK. The night Josh tries his jerk alter ego test on Stalker Chick she snaps at him and they get into a nasty fight in a restaurant. Josh explains that he is sorry and it was bad advice from a friend. However, she is blinded with anger and an out of control temper and threatens to stab Josh. She catches herself in the moment and changes back to calm.
Josh thrown off by the situation breaks up with her (his reasoning is that if she tries anything he will have witnesses nearby). He braces himself for an attack, but instead she cries and pleads that they stay together. For Josh this is only the beginning of his problems as he starts to take notice in Tish, who previously was unavailable due to the fact she had a boyfriend. Newly broken up with her boyfriend Josh must contemplate his new found feelings for Tish and if any of these women are his perfect match. He also faces the problem of avoiding Stalker Chick as she begins to stalk him after breaking up with her.
Comments (11)
Jonathan Davenport I'll be honest with you, Evan, while there's some potentially funny ground to cover here, I think you've got a lot of clean-up to do before this is ready for primetime. But since you requested this review, I'll do my best to point out what I see as some potential sticking points:
March 18, 20101) The hook. You've got too many. It feels like you had a lot of ideas you found interesting and just sorta put them all in a crock pot and set it to "stew."
What you want is ONE SOLID HOOK to sell me your idea.
You start off with an interesting one: They say everyone has 3 potential soul mates. Okay. That's cool. I've never heard of that, but that's fine. You can ask your audience to meet you halfway if your story hinges on them buying an idea. But you can only do that ONCE. Any more than that and it feels sloppy.
And unfortunately, you immediately ask the audience to follow you on another wild leap of faith when you introduce the magical, herbal aphrodisiac AND the dream maker.
Then you introduce a THIRD hook...the jerk test...which would make for another fine movie in and of itself, but here, it feels tacked on. It's almost too big of an idea if that's possible.
Any one of these would make a fine hook by themselves, but together, they start to feel forced and as an unfortunate side effect, I don't know what movie I'm sitting down to see. You should be able to boil down everything I need to know about your story to a single sentence. But here's the good news, unlike many, many other entries on this site, your current logline is actually pretty tight. I like that movie! I want to see that movie. But when the other ideas show up, they sorta clash with the expectations you created for me.
My suggestion would be to just go ahead and ditch the idea of there being 3 potential soul mates for everyone. I think it's worth exploring as an idea, but not here. The idea in your logline is stronger.
Secondly, for future pitches, go ahead and mention any "magic" in the logline so the audience doesn't get caught by surprise when things suddenly turn supernatural.
Lastly, if you really want to use your jerk test idea, go ahead and make THAT the point of the movie because that's actually stronger than the other ideas. Why, you ask? See the next point...
2) Character. To put it bluntly, I don't care about Josh's problem. And neither will mainstream audiences because to a typical American male, Josh's problem sounds fantastic. Getting people to empathize with a guy who has too many girlfriends and too many perfect dates is like trying to feel sorry for a guy who's too good-looking or is running out of ways to spend his vast fortune. Is it funny? Maybe. But do you feel bad for him? Probably not.
To fix this, I would suggest making the 3 ladies absolutely crazy in some way. So they're completely WRONG for Josh and a nightmare to any guy watching.
Sure, it can be fun at first, but it has to turn bad and it has to turn bad fast. Then your movie becomes a "be careful what you wish for" story like "Click" or "Bruce Almighty." This would also justify your jerk test idea. Barring that, you could instead make Josh PAINFULLY shy...I'm talking shy to point that he's almost socially inept and thus unable to deal with the ladies' affections. It would have less mainstream appeal, but it would work.
Secondly, Josh needs to grow as a person from this experience. Josh needs to learn a lesson...either about life or love or himself or the opposite sex...anything really. Right now, I don't know what Josh's problem is and I don't know how he overcomes it. And without that growth, the story ultimately means nothing.
I hope this helps. In the end, it boils down to what story you REALLY want to tell. Decide what lesson you want Josh to learn and that decision will inform the other choices you have to make. I would pare your magical items down to 1 instead of 2, and either lose the idea of there being 3 soul mates for everyone, OR embrace that idea and ditch the rest.
Best of luck!
Evan Wake First off... thank you for the insightful words. Very accurate notes. I was afraid that people were going to get tripped up by "magical" potion the holistic healer gives him. Really, that was just one small scene and neither of the items the holistic healer gives him are magical at all, but I definitely see how that puts a tangent in my story. I definitely agree that the ladies need to each have a different crazy, which is why I have Stalker Chick. Ultimately, each is going to seem perfect at first but have a terrible flaw.
March 18, 2010Basically, I was going for a "be careful for what you wish for" theme coupled with a "grass is not always greener" undertone (i.e Tish was the perfect one for him all along) , but rereading my synopsis none of that is very evident in what I wrote. Looking forward, would tighten my synopsis and plot to convey your sentiments above (and what my story was really about) .
Steven Kahler Since you asked for my evaluation here goes;
March 14, 2010Let me start with what almost worked as a case in point since I have limited space to evaluate this in this forum. I am not picking on you here, just trying to point out one area of concern to give you some insight.
Scene one slugline one. You write: A packed bar. People mill about...etc.
I would have left it at "A packed bar." That's economy in description which is the backbone of a good read. Novels have the luxury of detailed descriptions, screenplays don't.
"If a screenwriter is properly economical in his descriptions, there is room to add just that little taste of insight that brings a character into relief. There is sufficient space to provide that extra giggle to coax readers to want to know more about him." Richard Walter. Professor and Screenwriting Faculty Chairman. UCLA.
You write: "Josh sips his drink trying all to hard to look poised." Is that the economical insight into the character you want to leave us with? Do you see?
This needs a lot of work but I think you're writing shows that you are up to the challenge.
Best,
Steven Kahler I should have wrote:"...but I think your writing," (not you're.) I know, I know. I hate it when I miss that too. Sorry. :)
March 14, 2010Joey Andrews I really like this scene and this premise. It definitely makes me want to see more. I love that I am in Josh's head and get to visually see how he see's people and situations. The stats and the interest-meters are very comical to me and I hope this style is carried throughout the script.
March 14, 2010In the sample scene, I already see great potential for the relationships with Griff and Tish. The down-on-luck love story is very relatable and I find that I already WANT to root for this group of friends.
The Tish character stands out to me. In a good way. I like her involvement in this friendship and want to see how her character evolves.
Great Job Evan! Can't wait to see more.
Michelle Cutler I've never heard of "they say" three people are your soul mate thing. I have heard of the four-man plan and that got a lot of attention when adapted from a one-person show to a book.
March 12, 2010I'd love it if your scene was more visual - more visceral. And I'm confused if these are statistical thought-bubbles superimposed above the guys' heads. Right now your synopsis reads episodic and might be better suited for TV. That's not negative criticism either.
Evan Wake Thanks for the constructive words. I completely agree that the synopsis needs to be more focused... working on giving my protagonist more definable goals.
March 12, 2010Robin O'Rourke The synopsis reads with such heavy involvement to actual scenes, that it is hard to see the progression of the story. The concept is clear about having a quirky with a good 'love potion gone wrong' premise. A good redaction session would make this pitch much more exciting to read. I like the idea of a hapless, love-lorned, recluse who suddently gets more than he bargained for. Without rememebering the early slew of Patrick Dempsey flicks, "Loverboy", "Can't Buy Me Love", I can see this turning into a great redemption comedy about someone who yearns for love at any cost then finds that love is often more than we can reckon with.
March 12, 2010The drive of this story is the characters, much more than the situations. So, the work needed involves really creating a unique set of characters, from the "best freind" to the "stalker girl", while avoiding the common cliches that are often seen in these types of films.
The marketable edge to this film is it's lovable loser who holds a sense of desperation and self loathing, while being surrounded by a supportive group of friends. While much of the storyline could be created as sort of a throwback or homage to other films in the same vien, it's success relies on strong performances and clever writing which brings back the 1980's geeky romance flicks and updates them for the 2010's.
The exceprt of the script plays heavily on Josh's vulnerability and show's that the writer has a strong sense of recognising communication and then translating it into clear and concise dialogue. Towards the end it gets a little goofy, and reclessly criminal, (which I don't like to see in films like this because, well, in this particular case, I have had a bottle broken over my head and it hurts like hell.) I think the story should take a softer approach in it's beginning and really focus on the Josh character along his humility in the face of 'coming on' to women. With the concept of 'rejection after rejection is much more damaging than getting into a bar fight', I am sure the story can easily shoot straight to the heart of it's target audience.
All said, it is good, solid work. It just needs some conceptual tweaking and a little more focas on moving the story along instead of relying on the shock of certain scenes or the personal grief of it's lead character.
Evan Wake A lot of good points. Yeah I kind of went off on a tangent in the last part of the scene. Will definitely focus on utilizing sharp dialogue and strong characters for comedy instead of over used sight gags.
March 12, 2010J. Alex Boyd Definitely four stars for the graphs. A visual joke that might actually be enough to carry a movie like this. A weird premise COULD work, though, of course, all three women would have to be interesting. I think you could manage. The characters aren't bad, I don't mind the wrestling move, and keep the graphs funny and interesting and you might have something here. Maybe. Good luck.
March 9, 2010Ervin Anderson I like the idea, and your dialogue is excellent. Maybe needs a little bit of work, but that's why we're all here, right? But, most importantly....Your script made me laugh.
March 9, 2010Lee Karaim I really enjoyed the scene sample. I thought it had a nice flow and some really great, snappy dialogue. I liked the baseball stats and bored meters appearing above the character’s heads – that was a nice touch. If the rest of the screenplay is as well written, it could have real potential. Nice work.
March 9, 2010Bradford Richardson Evan - The loneliest I.T. nerd on the planet suddenly finds himself juggling 3 perfect matches. Now all he has to do choose one. I completely agree with Christine's and Joey's reviews. Go buy these two books: Blake Snyder's SAVE THE CAT STRIKES BACK, and SAVE THE CAT: GOES TO THE MOVIES. It's all you need.
March 9, 2010Bradford Richardson ..."now all he has to do is choose one."
March 9, 2010Evan Wake I've read Save The Cat... I'm definitely going to check out the other two.
March 9, 2010Christine Bartsch I do think this story has some great characters and story potential, but it needs to be gone over with an editor's eye. Reading through the synopsis, it comes across as the first couple pages of a treatment instead. Very wordy at the outset without clearly laying out the action of the scene and sort of ends with a paragraph that doesn't really wrap up. Within it though is quite a lot of fun, that would pop more if each paragraph were summed up in a sentence.
March 9, 2010As for the scene sample, I definitely saw some dialogue potential, but the scene is WAY too long at 5 pages. Drop us in at the action and get us out - and divide this up into different scenes even if it's at the same location at the same night (like At the Bar, On the Dance floor) etc. So we can see the action arc quickly rather than wading through to find the best of your story.
Overall, this has some potential in need of polish. Good work!
Evan Wake Thanks for the insight. Definitely see ways that I could tighten up the story.
March 9, 2010