wakeup
A businesswoman tries to reconnect with her long-absent father when she discovers him working at a New York City hotel.
Other Projects (2)
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Transits
He's waiting to show you the way.
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Alisha Jayaraman, a traveling businesswoman, flies into New York City for a meeting. She is surrounded by the sounds of airports, cars, bridges. Lonely things.
She checks into the Ace Hotel in New York City. The desk clerk greets her.
Alisha looks on in shock. The desk clerk is her long-since-absent father, Mahipal Jayaraman.
As he attends to a customer service request upstairs, Alisha tries to get answers from him, why he never called. He tells her how he was respecting his mother's wishes, but she asks if he ever cared about what she wanted.
A frumpy woman waits at the door, irate that her television won't work, and that she's missing her favorite talk show, Eunice. Alisha waits to have a conversation with her father, but the woman is loud and abusive. Frustrated, Alisha runs out. Mahipal blows off the hotel guest and follows his daughter out.
He asks if she wants to have dinner. But Alisha's engaged in a business dinner, and can't meet him the next day either, because she's flying out first thing in the morning. She asks if she can come over after her dinner, but he says that he has to get up early. She takes this as a rejection, and consoles herself that she at least knows where he is.
As she has pre-dinner drinks with her business associates, she sees her dad leaving for the day, dressed in casual clothes. Curiosity burning, she follows her dad down to the subway, surveilling him as he browses through a self-help book. She sees him carefully count change for the subway, and then crawl around for a dime when he realizes he's short.
He finds his dime, then catches his daughter's gaze. He enters the subway, deeply embarrassed that Alisha has seen a glimpse of his real life.
The next morning: the phone rings for Alisha's wakeup call. She answers it drowsily. It's her dad. He sings her a lullaby in the Indian dialect of Tamil. She sobs, telling her that he's not supposed to sing lullabies in the morning.
Mahipal agrees and says it's time to wake up.
She checks into the Ace Hotel in New York City. The desk clerk greets her.
Alisha looks on in shock. The desk clerk is her long-since-absent father, Mahipal Jayaraman.
As he attends to a customer service request upstairs, Alisha tries to get answers from him, why he never called. He tells her how he was respecting his mother's wishes, but she asks if he ever cared about what she wanted.
A frumpy woman waits at the door, irate that her television won't work, and that she's missing her favorite talk show, Eunice. Alisha waits to have a conversation with her father, but the woman is loud and abusive. Frustrated, Alisha runs out. Mahipal blows off the hotel guest and follows his daughter out.
He asks if she wants to have dinner. But Alisha's engaged in a business dinner, and can't meet him the next day either, because she's flying out first thing in the morning. She asks if she can come over after her dinner, but he says that he has to get up early. She takes this as a rejection, and consoles herself that she at least knows where he is.
As she has pre-dinner drinks with her business associates, she sees her dad leaving for the day, dressed in casual clothes. Curiosity burning, she follows her dad down to the subway, surveilling him as he browses through a self-help book. She sees him carefully count change for the subway, and then crawl around for a dime when he realizes he's short.
He finds his dime, then catches his daughter's gaze. He enters the subway, deeply embarrassed that Alisha has seen a glimpse of his real life.
The next morning: the phone rings for Alisha's wakeup call. She answers it drowsily. It's her dad. He sings her a lullaby in the Indian dialect of Tamil. She sobs, telling her that he's not supposed to sing lullabies in the morning.
Mahipal agrees and says it's time to wake up.
Comments (2)
Liz Thurmond This is a simple, evocative story that walks the fine line between maintaining a light tone and packing an emotional punch. It has a fuzzy, jet-lagged feel similar to "Lost in Translation", with a similarly quirky comic sensibility in the scene with the Frumpy Woman, and much is said between the well-chosen, sparely written lines of dialogue. Because the backstory is implied rather than stated, it may feel incomplete to some viewers, but to others this may add to verisimilitude to the idea of catching glimpses into other travellers' lives while passing through a hotel.
November 9, 2009Michael Stone Dimitri--
November 5, 2009What sets this script apart from the others is its emphasis on slice-of-life characters over plot-driven storyline. What background is revealed here isn't spewed out in a torrent of ill-motivated dialog, but is instead carefully but clearly implied in a way that can be gathered by the reader/viewer. I like that it respects the intelligence of the audience. You paint your story with well-chosen words and achieve a sweet, melancholy moment. However, there are a lot of questions left unanswered. Perhaps this is intentional--sometimes it's good to leave them wondering and want more, but if you leave the audience too puzzled and lacking information, they could just not care.
Why would the mother not want the father to call the daughter, and why would he obey? The daughter is grown, so they should be able to have whatever relationship they wish.
What is the nature of the friction between father and daughter? There is obviously a lot of family turmoil hinted at, but it's left so open that we don't know whether there's someone particularly at fault, or that is blamed by other family members. Even an obtuse reference or two would be enlightening.
Why does she leave and follow her father to the subway? I understand why she might, but it seems a bit unmotivated. It'd be nice if there was something we could see that helps the audience see that she MUST go follow him.
On the down side, there isn't much story presented here (although more is alluded to). That is to say, there's not much more story than is often told in a 30-second television commercial. Whatever conflict exists here is mostly implied and in the past. We don't see it. We do see the tension caused by it, and its partial (even if temporary) resolution. And maybe that's enough. I think you can only get away with this because the format of is so short and the writing fairly well-crafted. But a little more *something* would be a help.
All that said, I like this. At least, I like it as I imagine it on the screen, shot reminiscent of Lost in Translation, if you know what I mean. I do think it could lose the first scene and it wouldn't be missed--there's not even any dialog. Presumably she arrives at the hotel from somewhere, after all. That would give some more time to possibly reveal a bit more of the conflict hinted at, which would make the resolution all the sweeter.
It takes some courage to write something like this that doesn't depend on a gimmick, high concept, outrageous action or spectacle, or silliness and comedy. You're basically just letting your writing hang out there, and I respect that. I do think the "frumpy woman" character is a bit over the top stereotypical and seems to belong in an entirely different script. They pull in different directions. I would recommend toning her down a bit. Just a little less "character-y".
Best wishes with your script. I liked it a little better each time I read it. You have a sensitivity that some people will never have--never lose it.
~Mike
Michael Stone Oh yeah---hey, the pitch! It's kinda clever and all that, but it doesn't have the kind of dynamism of a human being telling a story. PITCH it, man! YOU tell the story. Practice it, sell it! Show us your passion and enthusiasm for the story. MAKE us care! I know it probably took awhile to put that together, but sometimes less IS more.
November 5, 2009