Why, MN
A suicidal woman races a small town deputy to catch the local serial killer so that she can become the final victim.
Other Projects (2)
-
Take a Hit
1930's Chicago - Prohibition's on, pot's too unknown to be illegal, and the Sullivan Brothers are pro-tokers who agree to "take a hit" for the mafia.
-
Geek for a Week
When prank wars divide the H.S., the principal mandates role-playing, forcing Lance to star in a talent show and teach geeks basketball or lose sports forever.
Why, Minnesota. Population – 184. Number of jobs lost – 93. Number of foreclosed homes – 57. Number of happy people – 3. Number of evil, mean, horrible people – 5…make that 4.
Hiding out in his classroom swilling whiskey TIM WATSON (34, life-weary teacher), wallows in a world of could’ve been, dreaming of the girl he should’ve married instead of the prom-queen-turned-town-slut. Working his second job as a deputy, Tim can’t arrest DYLAN (the drug dealer nailing his wife) because jailing the town’s only criminal would end his job. So he forces the young buyers to repeatedly write “I will not by pot from Mrs. Watson’s lover,” instead.
PAMELA (33, the girl Tim should’ve married) can’t wallow in 15-year-old should’ves. Jobless and caretaker of her dying mother, Pamela barely has the desire to breathe. Facing a hopeless future, she buys a grave for herself. Then her mother’s deathbed proclamation spurs her to leave town because “All that’s left to do in Why is die.”
While Tim pines over a pint for Pamela, MILDRED (Tim’s mother-in-law) declares “No crime, no news, no jobs.” The declaration forces lazy CONSTABLE NEWTON and local journalist EARL to hatch a plan to ensure job security. After all, “we’re in need of a crime spree.” Unfortunately, their public scheming inspires a killer in their midst, because it’s not every day you find a body in the corner mailbox.
A Murder. Tim isn’t sure who to suspect, but he doesn’t care once Pamela announces she’s leaving. Luckily, Pamela’s grief and fear impede her flight out of Why. An utter failure, Pamela writes the Constable a note: “I am dead. Please retrieve my body at your earliest convenience.” She tries guns, knives, poisoned pastries, and bathtub electrocution, but fails to kill herself. Back at the mailbox she discovers LEWIS (sweet, shy postman) is a stickler for postal etiquette – he must deliver it.
Thwarted in death and humiliated in life, Pamela tries to cope at her mother’s funeral but CLAUDINE (32, Tim’s bitch wife) torments her. Tim tries to intervene, but Claudine’s castrates him: “Don’t try to get your balls back now, baby. I sliced and mounted them long ago. Want me to take your head too?”
Pamela runs off alone to hang herself in a hayloft. Only the chain slips and she lands face to face with the headless corpse Claudine’s lover, Dylan. Pamela reports the body as an excuse to retrieve her unopened suicide note – only Tim catches her. As Pamela’s hand creeps into his pants pocket to retrieve the note, Tim pulls her close. Just then, Constable Newton arrives to remind them of the dead body. Once Pamela learns there’s a serial killer on the loose she wonders: “What does it take to get on his list?”
Determined to become the next victim, Pamela suspects one suspicious citizen after another, including Constable Newton. Even Tim ends up on her list after Claudine turns up dead. It takes Tim’s declaration, “I’m not going to let this bastard kill anyone else,” to convince Pamela of his innocence – and issues a challenge.
The hunt is on. While Pamela closes in on the killer, Timothy has his hands full conducting his own investigation while thwarting Pamela’s. He begs her to give up, but she’s too mad to listen – or watch where she’s going. She winds up tumbling into Claudine’s open grave. Timothy scrambles in after her, terrified that she’ll eventually succeed in getting murdered. He grabs her by the throat, shouting: “You wanna die? Fine!” He forces her to fight for her life, until hope for a future together grows between them. Tim succeeds in banishing her death wish – only to wind up arrested as the killer.
To save him, Pamela tracks down the real killer – only it’s not who she suspected. Stunned by the serial killer’s identity, Pamela grows more horrified to learn that now that all the evil, horrible, mean people are dead, the killer is more than willing to grant her death wish, no matter how much she protests. It takes bloodshed to convince the killer she wants to live, but Pamela prevails and secures Timothy’s release. They begin their life together at the cemetery, after all: There’s nothing like dancing on your own grave.”
Hiding out in his classroom swilling whiskey TIM WATSON (34, life-weary teacher), wallows in a world of could’ve been, dreaming of the girl he should’ve married instead of the prom-queen-turned-town-slut. Working his second job as a deputy, Tim can’t arrest DYLAN (the drug dealer nailing his wife) because jailing the town’s only criminal would end his job. So he forces the young buyers to repeatedly write “I will not by pot from Mrs. Watson’s lover,” instead.
PAMELA (33, the girl Tim should’ve married) can’t wallow in 15-year-old should’ves. Jobless and caretaker of her dying mother, Pamela barely has the desire to breathe. Facing a hopeless future, she buys a grave for herself. Then her mother’s deathbed proclamation spurs her to leave town because “All that’s left to do in Why is die.”
While Tim pines over a pint for Pamela, MILDRED (Tim’s mother-in-law) declares “No crime, no news, no jobs.” The declaration forces lazy CONSTABLE NEWTON and local journalist EARL to hatch a plan to ensure job security. After all, “we’re in need of a crime spree.” Unfortunately, their public scheming inspires a killer in their midst, because it’s not every day you find a body in the corner mailbox.
A Murder. Tim isn’t sure who to suspect, but he doesn’t care once Pamela announces she’s leaving. Luckily, Pamela’s grief and fear impede her flight out of Why. An utter failure, Pamela writes the Constable a note: “I am dead. Please retrieve my body at your earliest convenience.” She tries guns, knives, poisoned pastries, and bathtub electrocution, but fails to kill herself. Back at the mailbox she discovers LEWIS (sweet, shy postman) is a stickler for postal etiquette – he must deliver it.
Thwarted in death and humiliated in life, Pamela tries to cope at her mother’s funeral but CLAUDINE (32, Tim’s bitch wife) torments her. Tim tries to intervene, but Claudine’s castrates him: “Don’t try to get your balls back now, baby. I sliced and mounted them long ago. Want me to take your head too?”
Pamela runs off alone to hang herself in a hayloft. Only the chain slips and she lands face to face with the headless corpse Claudine’s lover, Dylan. Pamela reports the body as an excuse to retrieve her unopened suicide note – only Tim catches her. As Pamela’s hand creeps into his pants pocket to retrieve the note, Tim pulls her close. Just then, Constable Newton arrives to remind them of the dead body. Once Pamela learns there’s a serial killer on the loose she wonders: “What does it take to get on his list?”
Determined to become the next victim, Pamela suspects one suspicious citizen after another, including Constable Newton. Even Tim ends up on her list after Claudine turns up dead. It takes Tim’s declaration, “I’m not going to let this bastard kill anyone else,” to convince Pamela of his innocence – and issues a challenge.
The hunt is on. While Pamela closes in on the killer, Timothy has his hands full conducting his own investigation while thwarting Pamela’s. He begs her to give up, but she’s too mad to listen – or watch where she’s going. She winds up tumbling into Claudine’s open grave. Timothy scrambles in after her, terrified that she’ll eventually succeed in getting murdered. He grabs her by the throat, shouting: “You wanna die? Fine!” He forces her to fight for her life, until hope for a future together grows between them. Tim succeeds in banishing her death wish – only to wind up arrested as the killer.
To save him, Pamela tracks down the real killer – only it’s not who she suspected. Stunned by the serial killer’s identity, Pamela grows more horrified to learn that now that all the evil, horrible, mean people are dead, the killer is more than willing to grant her death wish, no matter how much she protests. It takes bloodshed to convince the killer she wants to live, but Pamela prevails and secures Timothy’s release. They begin their life together at the cemetery, after all: There’s nothing like dancing on your own grave.”
Comments (17)
Ervin Anderson Your script is really well-written, I must say, and the logline is terrific. Reading the pages, I didn't find a whole lot of humor, but I could see the comedic potential once the story gets going. You certainly know your way around a screenplay, though. Good work. ;)
March 21, 2010Todd Schowalter I think you have a strong concept and really enjoy the visual elements of your script. Your story almost has a "Fargo" feel to it. I can see the potential for dark comedy but you may want to establish that early on.
March 15, 2010Christopher Hewitson I really enjoy the concept. It's dark and twisted. However, the way it's described in the synopsis, I don't know if a lot of people will get "comedy" from it. I know I do, because I'm into this sort of thing, I can picture the different jokes about murder, death, and suicide attempts...but others won't. You've got to show them those things.
March 14, 2010I guess the biggest problem is the script sample. The FAQ says it's supposed to show your knack for creating witty dialogue, but a lot of the first few pages of yours are action heavy. And we also don't see any real examples of the dark comedy. It’s not that I would mind this scene if I were watching the movie, but I think you should have gone with a scene that just knocks people down; a scene that’s really funny in a dark, twisted way. It should show what type of humor you’re going for.
I really do like the idea, though. Best of luck!
Kyle Patrick Johnson Christine, the logline is a wower. It's such a crazy, unique concept, and I can easily see this as a movie. It doesn't scream "comedy" to me, though, so I'm not sure how far it can take you in this contest.
March 13, 2010You requested a review, so I'll make it nice and full and loooong. :) Take it for what it's worth.
I see below that you mentioned that there's a dark comedic element to the story. In all fairness, the genre ought to be spelled out in the logline through techniques such as word choice, pacing, etc. If the logline is effective, you shouldn't have to explain the genre afterwards. Now, this logline is awesome and powerful, and will hopefully get you reads around Hollywood. But it isn't right for this expressly comedy-driven contest.
My best advice: create multiple loglines for each of your scripts. That way, you can market each script to a variety of audiences. This script should probably have a horror-based logline, a comedy-based logline, and a mystery/thriller logline. Each logline can stress different aspects of the very same script, making future pitches a breeze.
The synopsis raises some incredible questions (and by that, I mean un-believable). Such as the jealous husband not fulfilling his sworn duty to uphold the law. Hard to swallow. Maybe a fuller description of his predicament is needed to sell it: he'll be fired, he'll be transferred to Alaska, etc. At the very least, it's only his second job that he'll lose, not his main source of income. So, I think most guys would say, "Screw it! And stop screwing her!"
Also, I'm a firm believer in perfect spelling in all marketing tools. Careful of mixing "buy" and "by", because spell-check won't catch it.
The line "PAMELA can't wallow in 15-year-old should'ves" is hilarious, but not for the reason you intend. The use of "15-year-old" is usually reserved to refer to a person with a specific age, which means that her "wallowing" sounds perverted. Just saying. :)
I'm also having trouble understanding why, if people hate this town so much, they're all somehow prevented from leaving. The American dream, at least as I interpret it, includes the ability to go where one wants in order to carve out a living. Why is everyone unhappily restrained in Why?
I think the murder/suspicion aspect of this would be fascinating. Well done.
I'm not sure how many people in your viewing audience are going to enjoy watching a woman try to kill herself. Again. And again. And again. That honestly doesn't sound very funny, enjoyable, or entertaining. I hope you're very careful in how you present all that.
I'm glad that Pamela's character arc includes Timothy as her goal (and probably her B story). It's a good grounding for the story. Unfortunately, the Lionsgate producers are looking for a male-driven story, so I'm not sure if this one's going to be up their alley.
The script is wonderful. I enjoyed it a lot. It's not funny (as in comedy, except for the gratuitous candy line), but it has near-professional pacing and style. I think it could do with some extra economy, but that's merely personal preference.
I'm not sure why Mildred is so nasty towards Timothy. If I read it right, it's her daughter that's the slut, whereas Timothy's the good guy. I'm sure she's got deep motivation, but she came across as bizarrely abrupt in this sample.
Overall, I'd say you have a future in this business. All the best!
Michelle Cutler I just don't get where the comedy is. You're clearly a good writer, but at the same time over- complicate your scenes. I agree with this great first line of statistical information. I could go Fargo with it. But we then fall into the melodramatic. I also love the title. But then am annoyed by "he doesn't notice" and "she doesn't flinch" - if it's a non-action, then why mention it?
March 12, 2010Either way, it's one person's opinion and I appreciate the work.
Christine Bartsch I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. This is definitely a dark comedy, not slapstick screwball.
March 12, 2010I would be interested in what you felt was melodramatic about the piece as that's not a response I've ever heard on the material before. I can only assume you meant the brief, 1/3 page scene between Pamela and her mother which I feel is necessary in establishing the hell of Pamela's current life to justify her coming goal of suicide. Had I started the film with her in that scene I could see melodrama, but I deliberately sandwiched it between two comic moments (albeit dark comedy) where Timothy's dealing with the pot smokers and the Reverend getting it on with the librarian in the bushes.
I do have to address your "non-action" comment however. Not flinching is a powerful action, often used in action flicks when the hero fails to cower or get shaken by imminent danger - a show of courage, bravado, whatever you'd like to call it.
In this instance, she's not showing courage or bravado, but a complete disregard for her own life - she just missed being hit by a speeding truck - she doesn't flinch. A moment I felt was needed to set up her character to acceptably pursue suicide in the next few pages.
As for him not noticing her walking along the road - symbolic of his character. He's so wrapped up in past regrets and his high school infatuation, he completely misses the opportunity of the love of his life alone and vulnerable on a dark country road. If only he'd looked up from the past he'd have noticed her, stopped and perhaps rekindled before she was commited to seeking her own death.
I intended to create that "missed opportunity" for the audience that's a device used in so many films where the audience is aware of the miss while the characters remain ignorant.
Deb Schuh Love the concept. Can't wait to see it as a movie!
March 11, 2010Robin O'Rourke Carol Burnett once said, "Comedy is tragedy plus time" and this concept is a great example of how so many tragic lives can be played out in a darkly humourous way. It would be very diffiucult to direct, in my opinion, while, if done correctly, can be the kind of comedies that has svery few laughs but is always entertaining with a sarcastic mood.
March 10, 2010The action and characters in thescript are very well written and probably distinctively created with a much deeper sense of being rather than what is seen on the page. The dialogue doesn't exactly translate. It's not popping out of the scene. I imagine much more cynicysm along with a sense of despair that an audience can empathise with. In your stage direction and off-script comments you have what I was looking for. So, I think you need to focus on channelling the energy you used to create the characters into the dialogue. For example: (One mother of a bitch) Good line, but it's only a character note. It'd be great to hear the characters commenting more about eachother, talking smack about one another, and really driving that mean mood.
For some reason Romance and Cigarettes comes to mind, I'm thinking of a set of lines from that film, "How's it going, gramma?" ..."Every breath is a victory!"
Don Saparina I see that you have a knack for the technical aspect of writing a script, but to me it seemed a bit description heavy. I know this is the beginning of your script, and that is the time to really lay everything out. So, on that note, maybe you should of grabbed a section that displayed your skills in dialogue a little better. This is a comedy, right? I didn't find a whole lot funny with the sample, or maybe I just didn't perceive it the right way... I don't know. Either way, maybe you could fill me in a bit better, but I thought this contest was strictly for "high-concept" comedies.
March 10, 2010Carrie Crain I see the comedy in this. Yes, there's mystery weaved throughout. I mean, it's not everyday a female is trying to kill herself but continues to fail. That's funny. The storyline reminds me of a cross between The Cat Who series and Janet Evanovich's, Stephanie Plum series. Professionally formatted, written. Believable dialogue. 'The truck splatters gravel on the welcome sign...' Interesting. Is it to suggest Tim is 'not' welcome or that no one is welcome in Why, MN? Good job.
March 9, 2010Mark Roberts I for one prefer a dark comedy (in fact I submitted one myself, Robidoux Row). And, I live in MN. And, I love cougars. It's an unholy trifecta! It's true that this specific contest is not geared toward the genre (hence, the incessant puerile penis gags) but that doesn't mean that this can't be well written and catch somebody's eye. This contest is as much about connections and the future as it is about instant gratification. At least I hope so, or I'm screwed.
March 9, 2010best wishes - msr