Studio

Killer's Notes on the Ace Hotel Shortlist Finalists

12/11/2009 at 7:34 AM by James Sehring

Hello Readers/Writers! Please take a brief moment to review these brief notes and initial thoughts. Then, if you can, take more time to work on your scripts! We'll sit down with all twelve writers in the next week, to discuss artistic vision, the practicalities of making these films, and what sort of ways they can tweak their script to realize each story's potential. Following our meetings, we'd love to see 2nd drafts of each script by 12/23. We'll select our final set of shorts in the new year based on the quality of writing over both drafts and the meetings/discussions we have over the next two weeks. Thanks so much again for participating, and we look forward to sitting down with everyone very soon. If you have any questions, feel free to message David Kaplan or James Sehring at your liberty!

In no way are these notes intended to be seen as instructions or directives. Instead, treat them like prompts... we intend for this to be a collaborative process and are looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts. Thanks!

- The Killer Team



1. LULU AT THE ACE HOTEL

- Really fun read. Love the bit where Lulu interrupts a couple's foreplay with a line from a spanish soap opera. Could maybe do something a bit different with the light fixture at the end... I think there is room to expand the joke, or make it fit in with Lulu's sensibility/world view a bit more.

2. MEN LIKE ME

- This is a fine idea, but ultimately needs to deliver more. For a piece that is so character driven, Carl's arc is fairly predictable, his development so explicit and obvious. There's room to make this script less predictable, to make the growth feel like it comes from within... perhaps if Pauline's role changed.

- Carl comes across as fairly obtuse/close minded. Why is his reaction to homosexuality in the hotel surprising to his wife? What did she see in him in the first place? We need to find ways to make this character more redeemable.

3. SHAVE

- More could be done with the one line of dialogue... The tone was great and so was the idea, but that one bit of dialogue at the end felt rather incongruous.

- It could do with some added detail to create tension and build towards the tears.

-It would of course change the tone and energy of the script entirely, but there is obviously room to develop the central character... perhaps he interacts with a member of the hotel staff? Performs another action in the room? Still, the realism, the lack of any interaction, could be what makes the script so affective.

4. SHOE HORNED

- Very nice script, great visuals. To do it entirely without dialogue would be interesting, but we'd be relying on really great performances to tell the story.

- There's an opportunity for one really funny or impactful line right at the end - Could be an effective way to wrap things up, to bringing the shoe-overload hysteria back down to earth.

- Where will we get all of these shoes from? This script is ambitious from an art design perspective... important that we keep the scope doable.

5. SPACE

- Jen's dialogue needs work... she comes off as a sort of caricature.

- We know that Jen is younger than David but beyond that, what did he ever see in her? Why is he with her? This relationship doesn't make a ton of sense without at least a little more context

- Some nice subtleties here which make use of the space, like David's locking eyes with the wolf. Might be good to add a bit of suspense by writing another instance where he comes close to harming Jennifer- the suffocating scene reads a bit shocking. Or simply having David silent here might be better. His epithets are violently misogynistic, whereas if he was just breathing hard it might play up his maddened state and his quiet personality in general. Make sure to emphasize the humor. Otherwise well written and executed.

6. SUNSET

- Dialogue is very tight, if not a bit on the nose.

- Last page could use some work. Molly's illness reads as fake/forced. Why would her mom not accuse her of lying? Is there a way to make this more plausible?

- Why does Molly leave at the end? At no time has she expressed an interest in going out. There might be a way to better establish her motivation earlier in the script.

- Would be a great achievement to add more humanity/weight to these characters.

7. THREE FORMS OF INSOMNIA

- Dialogue is very sharp, though it reads a bit like a play... perhaps we can examine how to make the script more cinematic.

- There needs to be more activity in the scene. Maybe some of the action can move into the adjacent bedroom.

- The reveal at the end seems contrived. Could use a better set up.

- The incorporation of a ghost into the scenario is an exciting concept, but with nearly four uninterrupted pages of dialogue... we need to give the sisters something to do!

8. DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER

- Why do they all look at the bedside table before exiting? The repetition works, but it feels like a missed opportunity.

- It's possibly a little long. Think about where cuts can be made... perhaps less reliance on narration would help. Concise actions/visuals could effectively tell the story in less time.

- Allowing the audience to piece together what the voice over makes implicit could turn this script into something more memorable, personal.

9. CHARLEY

- We'll need to really understand how the cat/puppet will work but otherwise, this is a solid script.

- Would be great if it was 1/2 a page shorter. Funny script. Courtney becoming obsessed with her cat the drunker and sloppier she got was very effective.

- Rewriting some dialogue to be less "on the nose" could serve the script very well, particularly when it comes to Ryan asking for sex.

10. PRACTICE

- Dialogue is concise and to the point, though the boy's could be a bit toned down. That is, he reads cocky and sure of himself, though we know this to be untrue. Perhaps giving the character more of an awkward/vulnerable tone would work, or cutting out some of the more affected comments... either might make him more sympathetic, naively innocent in light of the situation.

- The script has an effective element of surprise to it. On the whole, a nice premise that any lovelorn, confused teenager can identify with.

11. THE TRANSLATOR

- Clever and well written script. The ending works very well, though having just Emily (and not the second desk clerk) speak Japanese might be just enough. For purposes of brevity the encounter with the mid-western couple could be cut, but this is a minor note and works fine.

- The dialogue could still use some work in areas. It is solid but could be tweaked... there's room to play around and make it even funnier.

12. POSZERZYC/BRANCH OUT

- Original idea with a really unique aesthetic quality. A couple of elements probably need development... Description of the coin/lager/vent sequence could be tighter. Is our exposure to the man in the shower limited for a reason? Perhaps a more developed understanding of the man in the football jersey would give weight to the relationship between him and his prisoner.

James Sehring Producer